Romantic relationships are different from all other relationship in our lives. This is part of their beauty and also what makes them complicated.

Falling in love can be such a gift and as a therapist I also see the opportunity it provides for you to heal your deepest emotional wounds.

That may not sound very romantic but it’s true. The brilliant marriage expert and creator of IMAGO couples therapy, Harville Hendrix explains that when we fall in love, more often than not, our unconscious mind gravitates to someone who has positive and negative traits similar to those of our parents. We are attracted because they are familiar (like our parent) but also we are unconsciously seeking another chance to heal old wounds. All too often, though, we end up reliving the patterns that hurt us in the first place. And like we did when we were kids, we let our frustrations be known—only this time, instead of throwing an obvious temper tantrum, we express the pain with criticism of our partner. We use negative transactions to try to effect a positive and different outcome. It never works.

People look at others through rose colored glasses and make assumptions about how satisfied they are in their lives and their romantic relationships.

The truth is that success in business does not necessarily equate to success in intimate relationships. @terri_cole (Click to Tweet!)

Many of my clients are high powered, highly successful people. They are well known and at the top of their career game. Some have hundreds of people working under them, and to be that successful and work at that level, their communication skills are top notch. But many of them and many of you, are paralyzed with fear when it comes to expressing yourself in love. You may have no problem getting your needs met at work, or within your friendships or family. You say what you need, when you need it. You do this in a clear and confident manner. Yet, when it comes to telling your partner you wished that they were more affectionate, you freeze.

Since the quality of relationships depends on effective and open communication, it is worth diving deeper into self discovery so you can be free to love fully.

So if you find that you do indeed relate differently in romantic relationships than any other type of relationship, then here are some questions to consider. Ask yourself what is this fear of repetition of? With whom and where have you felt threatened to express yourself before? Then connect these facts with your current feelings. Know that fear of expressing yourself in love most often goes back to a past unresolved emotional injury from childhood. When you were young did mom or dad make it safe or unsafe to share how you felt? Or perhaps you had an older sibling or relative that constantly put you down when you asked for what you needed?

Once you discover the origin of the injury it can be very beneficial to journal about it, and/or speak with a friend or therapist, with whom you trust. If the person from your past is still in your life and open to discussing, this too can be incredibly healing. Though only do so if it feels safe as it is not essential to your healing. These steps can help remove the emotional triggers you feel around communicating your needs in your relationship now.

As you move forward in your romantic relationship, you can take small steps in sharing your desires and needs.

Remind yourself that you have the right to all of your feelings and an obligation to your truest self to communicate them.

So often a lack of feeling worthy, is a major contributor to fear of communication. I am here to tell you that you are worthy. You deserve to be known, seen and heard in all of your relationships but it is your willingness to step outside of your comfort zone that will get you there.

I love hearing from my Positively Positive family. So in the comments below please share with me one of the top needs that you feel you have had difficulty communicating in your romantic relationships. We are here to support and honor you, so that you may feel more comfortable and courageous sharing your needs going forward. Expressing yourself in life and in love is just one of the many ways I hold space for you to always, take care of you.

Love Love Love

Terri

Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, transformation coach, and an expert at turning fear into freedom. Sign up for Terri’s weekly Tune Up Tips and follow her on Twitter.

*image courtesy of Martin Fisch