Like you, I’m a nice person. I smile a lot – especially when chatting with people.

So when it comes to texting, social media and email, it makes sense to use smileys, right? It’s the virtual equivalent of a warm grin; it conveys: “Oh, I hear you,” “I like you,” or “This is fun.”

Recently, though, I’ve realised that they’d become automatic. Every tweet from “lovely to see you 🙂 “ to “great article 🙂 “ there it was, my default addition. Like a nervous tic, a smiley Tourettes.

In Byron Katie’s book “I Need Your Love – Is That True?” she asks the reader to notice what we do each day to get others’ approval. How do we try to manipulate them, through our words, body language, facial expressions and noises?

This question accompanied me as I interacted on Facebook and Gmail and I started to notice how smileys had become a subtle approval-seeking mechanism; a non-verbal whisper: “Like me, please. Think I’m friendly and amusing”.

So, I decided to stop using smileys. Just as an experiment. What would it be like to live without them in all virtual communication? (I went a step further and went without exclamation marks and xxx kisses too.)

These emoticons and emotive punctuation were so integral to my communication, at first it felt like trying to remove the word “the” or “and” from my writing. Finishing a text with any or all of the above had become an unconscious habit; it felt weird without them.

Here are my top 4 insights about life without the smiley.

1. I’d become lazy with my language

The first thing I noticed was that I assumed a smiley would convey my love for the recipient – whether in a tweet or text.

Being without smileys has forced me to become sharper with language; I now list specific acknowledgements for someone, rather than just finishing off with a sloppy smiley. Rather than “Thanks :)”, the un-lazy version becomes, “Thanks for giving me that information; you were prompt and accurate and that was really helpful for me.”

It pushed me to look at why I’m feeling warm and smiley towards a particular person. What have they done, what do they mean to me, who do I see them being? I can then communicate that with words, rather than a meaningless colon and bracket.

A colleague sent an apologetic email asking if she could rearrange our phone call. Replying just with “Yes” felt cold and unfriendly. I looked to language: how could I convey that I’m not displeased with her? I added to my email, “Absolutely fine by me – and I love how you asked so clearly.” These words actually said something; an emoticon says nothing. It’s generic.

I’d endowed the smiley with the ability to forge or strengthen a relationship, but it doesn’t do that. There are so many words we can use to convey our love and appreciation, in comparison with one over-used emoticon.

2. I was using smileys as armour

An old friend has moved to New York. I posted on her Facebook wall, “If we come out to NYC next year (high chance), wanna catch up?” I noticed my instinct to add a smiley; it would have softened it, made it less of an ask. Without the smiley, it became a simple, direct question.

Posting a photo on Facebook, I accompanied it with the status, “I think you’ll love this.” It was a plain statement, rather than tongue-in-cheek. I saw a friend write to her Facebook pal, requesting shoes from the store her pal was visiting. “Can you bring us each a pair back? :)” The smiley makes it ironic; it says, “I don’t really mean this. Don’t think I’m stupid or cheeky to be asking.”

My communications became more naked without the emoticon armour. I’m aware of the possibility of someone saying, “No.” No you can’t, no I don’t. The new vulnerability actually feels refreshing – honest, humble, calm.

3. Smileys take the sting out

At the end of a challenging text discussion with someone, the final word is with him and he replies: “Sure :)” Without the smiley, I wonder if it’d have felt bare. Abrupt. Like a smile when face-to-face, the smiley acts as a repair attempt; it says, “I’m still in connection with you. We’re okay.”

On a Facebook group with a heated seventy-eight comment conversation, I saw a member post: “I’m hopefully leaving this conversation now :)”. The smiley was used to take the sting out of a bold statement. It’s an after-thought: “I want to be straightforward and say what I mean, but I’m worried you won’t approve, so I’ll soften the blow with this smiley. I don’t agree with you, but please like me.”

The challenge I’m setting for myself is to be at peace with my own clarity, my own boldness, and to say “no” or “that’s not okay” when it’s my truth – without having to mitigate around the impact. I no longer want to use an emoticon to pretend I’m not as clear or decisive as I actually am.

4. Smileys are wonderfully useful when not for approval-seeking

During my experiment, there were three people who I considered breaking my ban for; they were having a hard time and I wanted to convey my unconditional love and support. As I drafted texts both with and without the smiley, I saw that the emoticon was there for them, not for me. It wasn’t because I wanted them to see me a certain way; it wasn’t because I was trying to protect myself or get something; it wasn’t because I was being lazy with language. It was simply that I wanted my warmth and appreciation to come through phone-to-phone and the smiley offered me an extra way of doing this – the cherry on top of “I love you.”

An emoticon-less future?

What I’ve discovered from my experiment was that I wasn’t just able to stay in relationship, I was able to forge more authentic relationships without the emoticon.

Rather than looking across to another person for validation, it was up to me to stand happily in my truth.

Rather than looking up to someone for approval, I was responding eye to eye, as a grounded, equal and self-nurturing individual.

Rather than hoping someone would read my mind, I asked for what I wanted.

The interesting thing is: nobody seems to have noticed the change. All my fears about how I’d be perceived… they were in my head.

We worry others will see us a certain way and often they’re not thinking about us at all. @CorrinaGB
(Click to Tweet!)

At least, not as much as we think.

I’m not suggesting we should all live without emoticons and kiss goodbye to the xxxx. It’s simply that any habit is worth questioning; if we fear we can’t live without it, it’s become an addiction.

Get curious: what’s your motive for using the symbols? What are you seeking to get, or avoid? Could you live without your smileys?


Corrina Gordon-Barnes is known as the champion of the self-employed. She demystifies the how-to-get-clients process, enabling you to market yourself effectively and get paid to do what you love. Find like-minded community and get free weekly inspiration and strategies for happy, profitable self-employment here. You can also connect with Corrina on Facebook and Twitter.

 

 

Image courtesy of Miguel Pire da Rosa.