I’ll be first to admit that when it comes to emotion, restraint is not always my strong suit. In my twenties and thirties when a friend called to say that her boyfriend or boss treated her unfairly I was extremely reactive. My initial reaction was always very visceral; I felt I needed to right the wrong immediately. Before she even finished her story, I was dishing out advice. And often I spoke out of turn by giving my unwarranted opinions.

Reject the “Insta” Response

What I thought then was that I knew the entire story, but what I really knew was her perspective of the injustice of their situation. Eventually over time, I would see that there was a bigger picture and that my emotional response hadn’t achieved anything beyond giving her the license to feel even more hurt. And sometimes I was even giving her ammunition to be upset with me later if her boyfriend or boss clarified the misunderstanding.

But my forties have taught me the virtue of the delayed response. What I have learned is that very few comments require an immediate response. And some don’t require any response at all. When my friend calls, what she needs is to vent and for me to listen, not talk. Vicktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and the author of Man’s Search for Meaning taught that there is a “space” before we react to another. Our task is to recognize and use that space so that rather than react impulsively, we can develop the virtue of listening and respond thoughtfully.

Try My “Wait Box” Tip

To practice his teaching (because I forget daily) I’ve created a file on my computer called “The Wait Box.”  Whenever I am tempted to react viscerally to a person or a situation, I write my response – holding nothing back – and file it in the Wait Box. There my emotional response sits for twenty-four hours and marinates. Of course, rarely does the response I initially write ever see the light of day! Usually it gets dumped in the trash and later replaced with something much more logical and productive.

With each day, with continual practice, I see this virtue grow inside me. And as a result, I spend a lot less time making amends for words misspoken and much more time honoring all my relationships.

Think you’re giving good friend advice? Ditch the #Insta response & try this tip instead.
@sherrehirsch (Click to Tweet!)

What are your tips for being more present and less reactive in your relationships? Let me know how the “Wait Box” technique works for you in the comments!


Sherre Hirsch is the spiritual life consultant for Canyon Ranch Properties where she serves as a speaker, teacher and retreat facilitator. She is a sought-after inspirational speaker and frequently appears in national media such as the Today Show, ABC News, Extra, PBS and more. Her new book, Thresholds: How to Thrive and Live Regret-Free (Harmony Books) offers a roadmap for how to view life transitions as opportunities rather than obstacles She is also the author of We Plan, God Laughs. Visit her at www.SherreHirsch.com or follow her on Twitter.

 

Image courtesy of ynysforgan_jack.