Being codependent is this feeling of being incomplete and filling your void with other people, constantly looking for validation from the outside to feel complete on the inside.
It feels empty, lonely, scared to be alone, and needy, and low. It feels scary and fearful and not good enough. Codependency can also feel anxious and frantic, constantly looking like an addict for love to fill the bottomless pit.
Codependent patterns are often the root cause of all kinds of addictions, drug addictions, alcohol addictions and more. My intention is to share tools to help you stop seeking outside validation and instead feel a STRONG SENSE OF SELF so that you can feel internally lit up with the divine as your fuel.
Here are 5 tools to help you break free from codependency.
1. OWN IT. Often times we try to escape the problem by stuffing it down further where we can no longer see it, because let’s be honest, it hurts to look at what hurts us. This is called denial and repression. We don’t become “spiritual” to avoid looking at our problems and “acting happy.” That would be the opposite of spiritual. To be spiritual means simply to be honest with oneself and connect to our deep inner realms.
Own how you authentically feel. This can be hard, because codependents often have difficulty owning their own feelings and thoughts. My recommendation, is to close your eyes and say to yourself “I give myself permission, just for this moment, to feel everything I feel.” Start with this… I feel… and then list words without explanations. Some examples are: I feel sad. I feel nervous of the future. I feel excited that something good is coming and simultaneously scared that it won’t happen. I feel anxious. I feel depressed. I feel lonely. I feel happy. Owning it, is the first step to any journey.
2. Write a list down of what you know for sure about yourself. Sometimes, as a codependent you will get confused and focus on what you don’t know, and how you are confused, and this will cause more confusion and insecurities. SO I recommend this to all my clients and they LOVE it. Because the truth is, we always know certain things. So start there. What do you know for sure? Here is an example:
I know for sure that I a good person. I know I have a good heart. I know I am willing to grow. I know I am loving. I know I am committed to learning my lessons. I know I love to help others. And list other things you know for sure. I know for sure I want to be a mother etc…
3. Make a non negotiable list for yourself to do as part of your self care. What are you going to do no matter what, even if, and especially if you don’t want to. This is your non negotiable list. Mine is, every day do something for cosmic life, meditate or do mantras every day, take time with my SOUL in quiet, pour love into a kind conversation or connection with my friends and family. What are yours? Gym? Candle lit bath? Healthy dinner? Write it out and SCHEDULE it in your calendar. Do it now.
4. Write a list of the lessons that you have learned from the most difficult, depressing, painful, and perhaps even traumatizing times in your life.
What are the gems that you received from the storm? When we can see the lesson in the madness, we appreciate and we grow and can move forward. List one difficult situation you went through and then ask yourself: “What was the empowering lesson I learned here that helped me grow to be a better more evolved person?” Write the answer.
5. Write a list of all the qualities you most admire. Honesty, Connection, Depth, A willingness to grow and learn all that there is in life (especially the deeper more meaningful things in life), considerate, sense of humor, explorative and curious nature, sensitivity, loving and affectionate, wants to learn new things. Write it all down. Now look at the list every day for next seven days and check in to see how you are BEING that which you seek. Bringing the attention to yourself takes the pressure off of looking out there and brings the focus into the one place you can actually control – YOU. Be that which you seek.
Good luck and I can’t wait to hear from you all. Please comment below. I WOULD LOVE to see them and hold space for your visions to come to life.
Christine Gutierrez is a psychotherapist, advice columnist, speaker, author, poet, and founder of CosmicLife.com, an online hub that features psychologically-savvy and soulful advice, articles, videos, private consultations, workshops, retreats (both live and virtual), radio appearances, and television projects. “Ancient wisdom with a modern twist” is the motto. She has been featured in TimeOut NY Magazine, Latina Magazine as “The Future 15: The Healer,” Yahoo Health, Ebony Magazine, Cosmopolitan for Latinas, The Conversation, Cosmopolitan Magazine, Ricki Lake, Lifetime TV, and more. You can also follow Christine on Twitter and Facebook.
Check out her newly launched virtual group coaching program: Fierce Love Fierce Life, where we are going to get super personal and discuss these deep patterns that perhaps you have felt shackled to.
Image courtesy of amira_a.