I thought all relationships were supposed to last forever. My barometer for success of relationships was either we get married or it’s pretty pointless. From the time I was a teenager, I never got the memo that dating was meant to see who I was and see what I truly wanted or didn’t want.

Your blueprint on love and what love looks like is heavily influenced by what you see love and relationships look like growing up, and suffice to say – it was not that great. My parents divorced when I was young and they had a difficult time getting along in my childhood.

Love, in my eyes, was painful and either you are in love and married or miserable and angry.

I carried this high barometer for success with me in and out of relationships and I always ended up not enjoying the relationship and stressing myself and my partner out. I was so worried and consumed about whether it would last or not, that I didn’t actually know or wasn’t present enough to feel how I really felt with and towards that person. I was focused on security versus on true authentic feelings.

You see, the instability and lack of love role models in my childhood make me feel very unsafe, and so unconsciously I was so worried and insecure. This made me live in a panic state and panic doesn’t allow you to be present. Panic doesn’t allow you to ask yourself how you truly feel. Panic doesn’t allow you to touch base with your authentic desires and needs. Panic only creates urgency, attack, chaos, and destruction. And in that state I ignored the clear signs of what were unhealthy relationships, because I couldn’t see clearly.

My focus was on the wrong thing.

I thought if I focused enough on my security I would save myself from the abandonment and pain that I had previously experienced in my childhood. Instead, it didn’t allow me to create any stability.

Peace and honesty creates security, not panic. @CosmicChristine (Click to Tweet!)

I finally realized that it wasn’t the problem that was the issue, it was how I was reacting to the problem. My reaction to fear was impulsivity, more fear, and insecurities. I needed to deal with that and not the heartache itself. I would get so sad over a break up and associated it with my worth. Now while breakups are not fun, today I no longer associate it with my worth. I know that dating doesn’t mean marriage always and in fact dating is a place where I get to see what I like and don’t like. I honor my needs now and because of that dating is more fun.

I learned that a heartache because of a breakup was normal, but I didn’t need to let it paralyze me or dictate my love ability or worthiness level.

My worth is based on simply being born.

I am worthy by simply being and so are you. As long as I am grounded in that, it’s harder to shake my core security. And that’s what I wanted all along. I thought I would find it in getting married, instead I found my worth in me. Then the rest becomes just the icing on the already awesome cupcake 😉

{I’m the awesome cupcake in this analogy. I’m small.}

So, if you’ve let a heartache dictate your worth or you’ve let the success of a relationship be dependent on if it lasted or not, then stop and reframe it. Success is honoring your soul and having your worth and needs be honored by you. When you listen and honor that, the rest keeps falling into place more and more.

Share with me in the comments! Did this story resonate with you? What have you learned about yourself through heartache?

With Fierce Love,

Christine

Christine Gutierrez is a psychotherapist, advice columnist, speaker, author, poet, and founder of CosmicLife.com, an online hub that features psychologically-savvy and soulful advice, articles, videos, private consultations, workshops, retreats (both live and virtual), radio appearances, and television projects. “Ancient wisdom with a modern twist” is the motto. She has been featured in TimeOut NY Magazine, Latina Magazine as “The Future 15: The Healer,” Yahoo Health, Ebony Magazine, Cosmopolitan for Latinas, The Conversation, Cosmopolitan Magazine, Ricki Lake, Lifetime TV, and more. You can also follow Christine on Twitter and Facebook. 

Do you want to continue to embody fierce love? Then apply to the Fierce Love Mastery. I will be there along with 7 other fierce ladies cheering you on and helping you to not only have these fierce intentions but to guide you to actually embody these goals and keep you on track! You can apply here: thefiercelovemastery.com

Image Courtesy of Nick Kenrick.