I grew up on Hart Street. Hart, heart, a symbol of love, of connection, of passion. It was on Hart Street that I had my first heart break. My mom told me that I used to cry and beg for my dad. He didn’t abandon me or us, they just couldn’t get along in a partnership and he moved out. But to my little child mind, with my big eyes and Micky mouse blue glasses, I thought otherwise.
I felt my heart sink to the floor and my entire body shut down. I was disoriented. My sense of world was suddenly shattered.
My heart was broken. How could MY daddy leave me. Did he not love me? Was I not good enough? What did I do to deserve this? All too soon, the veil of illusion that the world was safe and secure was shattered.
By age three, I knew that wasn’t true. These childhood memories, often stay limited to photo albums hidden in closets with dust on them. They stay confined to a disembodied story telling account of the pain you experienced in childhood. But our bodies and our nervous systems don’t forget these stories unless we work through them.
Trauma small and big, affects how we perceive ourselves, how we perceive others, and how we perceive the world.
I shared this peek into my life because, I’ll be honest, it’s my first real memory of my life story. And the truth is I have gone through far more traumatic – that this almost seems like a breeze to my mind, but my little heart and body knows that that is not true. My heart knows it began there. We tend to rationalize things and intellectually understand our pain, but how do we feel our pain deep within our gut and deep in our life?
Our life history and situations that happen to us are like downloaded blueprints in our nervous system and they affect our choices and our life.
The biggest thing I realized was my mother and father separating caused me was a deep fear and feeling of not having security, stability, and trust. And in that feeling, a deep insecurity that I am abandon-able and then somehow unworthy.
People say love yourself deeper. Love yourself fiercer, but how right? It starts first by diving into the pain. The darkness. The wound. The messy. And being an archeologist of your psyche and of your life story and uncovering gorgeous and ancient artifacts there.
Loving yourself truly requires going to the scariest places within yourself and saying, “I completely and wholly love and accept you.”
How people loved us, how people didn’t love us… all is part of how we love ourselves.
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We have the ability as adults to learn to mother and father ourselves. Go back in time to those moments where you felt unloved, and speak to your little you, and give her all the comfort, attention and wise words of love that she/he needs.
Today, spend time fiercely loving little you. Spend time there and know that by going to the root you are healing deep and cultivating true self love.
I want to hear from you. What’s your childhood story? Go back to one painful memory that perhaps blocked you from loving yourself as an adult, and then tell me what that child wished she could hear in that moment. What loving supportive words would you tell yourself then as a child? I would love to hear in the comments below.
Remember loving yourself more is always a win win.
Never let the pain of the past make you a prisoner. Pain turns to purpose and wounds turn to wisdom. You are stronger than you know and wiser than you think. You got this!
Christine Gutierrez is a psychotherapist, advice columnist, speaker, author, poet, and founder of Christineg.tv an online hub that features psychologically-savvy and soulful advice, articles, videos, private consultations, workshops, retreats (both live and virtual), radio appearances, and television projects. “Ancient wisdom with a modern twist” is the motto. She has been featured in TimeOut NY Magazine, Latina Magazine as “The Future 15: The Healer,” Yahoo Health, Ebony Magazine, Cosmopolitan for Latinas, The Conversation, Cosmopolitan Magazine, Ricki Lake, Lifetime TV, and more. You can also follow Christine on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. And sign up for her weekly newsletter at: www.christineg.tv. Want a free 15 min consultation call? Click here to set it up.