We can’t leave love to chance. The pain of not having love is too devastating. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it is indifference which breeds loneliness, isolation, and emptiness. All of those have been part of my life for far too many years. There were two potential causes of my loneliness – friends didn’t like me enough or, more likely, it was because I didn’t have a girlfriend. That was my working theory for years and those years were miserable.

My theory sadly led to more and more isolation and loneliness. Even when surrounded by loving friends and family I was so focused on the love I thought was missing that I still felt empty. What I didn’t understand was that I was looking for the wrong thing. My theory was fatally flawed from the start. An errant focus on results that were out of my control caused me to miss seeing the factors I could control.

I didn’t really love myself. As a man I was never taught that loving myself matters.

I thought I was better than others. I figured I was smarter, better looking, more successful, led a more interesting life, and was funnier than a lot of people. If you asked me at the time, I would have said I loved myself. That’s because I thought those things added up to love.

They don’t. And in the absence of my own love, I was constantly looking for someone else to love me. Looking for someone to make up for that love missing inside me. I was looking for an external solution to an internal problem. That never goes well.

Then I took control over what I had control over – my love. I started learning ways to actively love myself. This wasn’t about loving myself for the things I’d accomplished in life or my lucky genetic inheritance, it was about loving who I am inside. And learning to love unconditionally.

That doesn’t mean loving myself because I scored higher on the GMAT than others, but loving myself regardless of my GMAT score. It means loving myself even though I f*cked things up, sucked at a lot of things, was good at others, and mediocre at many. It means loving myself the same when I make bad decisions as I do when I make brilliant ones. That’s the unconditional part.

That changed my life. I started laughing to myself even more than I already did. I became more social, less afraid to share my ideas with others because I no longer had to make sure what I said was perfect before I said it. It didn’t matter if I appeared foolish, stupid, or embarrassed myself and someone didn’t like me. I knew their approval was not what I needed to banish the loneliness. Everything I needed was already there inside me.

When I did look foolish, stupid, or embarrass myself I took the same action I would have taken with a girlfriend – I supported and loved myself just the same way I would have with her. The exact same way. I said exactly the same things I would to a girlfriend or friend but instead addressed them to myself. What I always wanted from someone else, and tried to drag out of them in one way or another, I was now giving myself.

In a funny way, I became the girlfriend I always wanted. Turns out I was right the entire time – I was short on love and having that love in my life would be life changing. I was wrong about where that love would come from.

Instead of tapping external sources, attempting to secure something I need for my very survival from another person, I found I could source it at home. Generating it inside me, where I have control, guarantees that I’ll never run out.

It is a kind of ‘love security.’ I had to build the skills, amassing a trove of tools to guarantee love security, but now that I have them I can rely on them. And the loneliness I had is gone. It’s been gone for years now. In its place is a peaceful stable love that is the foundation of my experience in life. It’s always there. And when I feel it running a bit low, I can always make more.

This article could easily become a book by taking off on the topic of love and connection to others. Connecting is vitally important to us in life. I’m not saying that active self love is all you need, but I will say it is what you need to make the most of the connections you have in your life. Loving yourself improves all the relationships in your life because you aren’t hoping to get something from another person that only you can give yourself. That takes a lot of pressure off your relationships.

As I said earlier, I was never taught loving yourself was important. It is! I’m saying it now! Learning to actively love myself has had by far the biggest impact on my life. And I don’t think it is hyperbole to say it saved my life. Let it do the same for yours. Don’t leave love to chance and live a life of loneliness.

Take control of your love today and actively love yourself. @menscoachscott (Click to Tweet!)

Not sure exactly how to do it? Ask me, it’s what I do.