Have you ever wondered why you are attracted to certain people? Why you feel a strong pull towards one person and have no attraction at all to another?

As children, we learn about the world, ourselves and what love is from our caregivers. We end up attracting people who mirror both our parent’s positive and negative qualities because we unconsciously think that what’s familiar is safe, even if it’s not healthy.

Obviously, none of us would choose to consciously attract a partner that mirrors the negative traits of our parents. We logically want to be in healthy, fulfilling relationships.

By attracting a partner that mirrors the negative traits of our parents, our partners give us the opportunity to bring up and heal our old wounds by meeting that hurt with the compassion and love that it longed for when we were young.  This then becomes an opportunity to free ourselves from replaying old wounds in our current relationships.

These wounds are often dormant within us and our partners have this perfect way to help bring them to the surface. Have you noticed?

At this point most people either leave the relationship and serial date, thinking something is wrong with the people they are attracting, or they stay in the relationship but blame their partner.

If we take responsibility for the feelings we have when we are triggered, we offer ourselves an incredible opportunity for empowerment and inner healing.

Fights happen in relationships, they aren’t the problem. What matters is how we move through the fights or if we move through them. You can use these challenging situations to grow stronger together because of them.

Biology is intelligent and has a plan. It gets us drunk on a cocktail of hormones like serotonin and dopamine in the beginning so that we are connected to our partner and motivated to maintain that connection. Then there’s the bait and switch and we are face to face with some of our deepest wounds.

None of this is bad. But it’s helpful to have the awareness of what is happening, as well as having access to helpful tools to move through this process gracefully and effectively so that you don’t have to keep playing out painful conditioning.

With the right tools and a willingness to meet yourself compassionately, no matter what you find, the healing begins. @AwakeInSpirit (Click to Tweet!)

As a former couple’s therapist, I used to give clients an exercise to help them break free of unhealthy patterns driving their relationships. It’s designed to show you what conditioned patterns block you from receiving the love you want and it also helps you see what you most value in relationship so you can nurture those qualities.

Whether you’re in a committed relationship or are looking for love, this exercise can change the way you view relationships from now on and save you years of struggle. If you’re interested in having a copy to apply specifically for you, you can receive yours here.

Awareness is the first step in supporting you to become more conscious in relationships and this worksheet is an incredible tool for shining light on our unconscious attractions and behaviors.

There is no better gift you could give to yourself or your partner this Valentine’s Day than to show up fully and completely for the love that’s available on the other side healing. As you do this work, you become lighter, relationships are easier and you graduate to a different level of relating where it’s more about celebrating love than healing. Also, watch the video below for an exercise that will change the way you see relationships from now on!


In support of your freedom in love,


Alyssa Nobriga, trained as a psychotherapist, works as a professional and personal life coach supporting people in living more authentic, loving, and fulfilling lives. She takes groups through transformational intensives and also leads wellness retreats around the world. You can follow Alyssa on Facebook or Twitter.

Image courtesy of Maridav.