“I secretly wish I could be admitted to the hospital so someone could take care of me.” I told my friend.
I was done with being Superwoman and taking care of everyone else. Done with being sick all the time, and feeling like crap. Done with being strong, and having to prove myself to the world. I was burned out and numb.
It was a strange feeling, being burned out and numb. Some would call it a funk. I called it entering the void. I wasn’t sure who I was. Not sure what I’d do, what my purpose, or direction was. I felt I couldn’t move forward because fear was holding me back.
I couldn’t go back because repeating the same mistakes made me sick. I’d arrived at the fork in the road. What should I choose? Why would I choose it? Was something holding me back from making a choice?
All of these questions entered my mind when I entered the void. I had fought the inner demons for so long, and thought they had won. I had created patterns in my life based on a belief system that I was not enough, unless I was Superwoman. I denied what my body was trying to communicate. This pattern landed me in the ER with chest pain and palpitations. The results of an angiogram indicated I was stressed and anxious.
Returning home after the tests, I crawled into bed and sobbed. I screamed at God, the Universe, the Source, whatever was out there: Is this how you want me to live my life? Why isn’t my life working? What have I done to deserve this? I felt like a victim of the world’s expectations.
To avoid the pain I lost myself in social media. Scanning posts one day, a Johnny Depp quote caught my eye. It read, “People cry not because they’re weak. It’s because they have been strong for too long.” My body started to shake as I realized these words echoed my existence. This was my truth. This was when I became conscious of the reality I had been creating.
Once you’ve open the door to consciousness and awareness your reality is never the same. It wasn’t for me. When I shifted my consciousness, I was able to look at my journey from a place of an observer and not a victim.
This awareness inspired me to write about my journey from burnout and fear to love and expansion. The following poem came from my soul. It was my higher self looking at me and describing my journey. This comes from a vulnerable, raw and real place within myself.
I See You
I see you. Hiding behind your mask and living the dream.
I see you. Denying your true self as spirit wants to scream.
I see you. Believing you have something to prove.
I see you. Wanting more, scared to make the next move.
I see you. Being tortured by beliefs that aren’t true.
I see you. Looking for answers until you are blue.
I see you. Expanding and growing as you awake.
I see you. Shifting and changing like an earthquake.
I see you. Understanding you are not body not face.
I see you. Realizing negativity and stress are not your place.
I see you. Your soul, as you start to expand.
I see you. Your love, giving the world your hand.
I see you. Releasing fears as you become free.
I see you. I see me. We are one. Just be.
When I read this out loud I always start to cry. This poem has allowed me to release my past pains. It has given me clarity of what life was like when I was living in my ego and not from my heart. This poem has become my spiritual master piece and I am elated to share it with you.
Are you ready to create your spiritual masterpiece? Are you willing to confront the past and create a new reality? Are you ready to let go and be free?
Tracy Martino is a transformational coach, speaker, writer and poet. She lives outside of Boulder, CO with her 2 kids, husband and dog. You can follow Tracy at www.tracymartino.com, Facebook & Twitter.
Image courtesy of Danielle MacInnes.