Sapiosexual, a relatively uncommon word, refers to a person who is strongly attracted to intelligence, over and above all else.
No, I didn’t even know the term ‘sapiosexual’ existed when I started dating the guy whom I thought was the smartest person I’d ever met. I was like a little kid tasting cotton candy for the first time, indulging in the sweet tingling sensation dating a new species of homosapien. My eyes sparkled, my sense of awe triggered, my dopamine flushed when I was immersed in deep conversation with him. It was a fascinating new experience to date a knowledgeable person, while I was comfortably being the geek I am.
If an intelligent being saw me as equal – that said something about me, didn’t it?
Making myself smaller
He got busier as his new venture took off. It was what Uncle Ben said in Spiderman series, ‘with great power comes great responsibility’. I learnt to compromise and be contented to see him once in a week or two. Sometimes, I even only saw him once a month. While he kept me in his life by sending sweet brainy texts, I became good at spending time on my own. I told myself it was okay that I will never be his number one, and he was doing bigger things that would change the world.
I put myself in a lose-lose relationship. But I was too proud of the fact that I had an intelligent partner, so I told myself everything was OK.
During the days of his absence, I was drowning in questions that never get answered: ‘Is this relationship normal? Where is this heading?’ I used to think that we had a special ‘remote’ model because we were both extraordinary people with a purpose in life. Then the validity of remoteness started to creep into my head and drain my energy. At the lowest point of doubts, I cried at night staring at the phone. I knew that he was merely a phone call away, but I could not pick it up and dial his number – he must have something important on his mind if he never reaches out.
This question hovered in my head again and again, ‘do I love him or the idea of him?’
Then came the day he told me he had to let me go. It was a huge blow to my ego. I remembered watching sunset by his side thinking that everything was perfect. The most beautiful moments that we shared turned out to be things that hurt the most in the end. Somehow it was funny how life worked – the process of recovering wasn’t hard because he left little trace in my life. My favourite places were intact and I didn’t have much of a chance to show him off to friends and family.
As time goes by, I am thankful that he made the call so that I can focus on building my life.
Despite a bitter sweet journey, a sapiosexual relationship opened new windows in my life as he connected me to new things and people.
Through all doubts I connected deeper with my inner self. Why was I submissive to his pattern? Why couldn’t I communicate openly about my needs? Why did I always let him dictate when we should meet?
One day I had an ‘aha’ moment that made me jumped right up in the chair. I realized I didn’t think I was enough!
Even though I always thought I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself, I was not secure in my own skin to acknowledge that I was enough and I needed the identity of ‘sapiosexual’ to convince myself that I deserved a smart, capable partner. I was feeding on his ‘greatness’ to extend my own greatness.
Why do you need to be a sapiosexual when everyone is seeking for universal ‘love’ that is beautiful and complete on its own? How do you define intelligence?
A healthy relationship has universal characteristics – it requires commitment, deep communication, alignment in lifestyle and value in order to provide fertile soil for both persons to thrive together.
You have to know that you are beautiful enough, smart enough, happy enough, worthy enough, complete enough.
When you feel complete and beautiful from inside out, trust that the universe will conspire to bring that great person with a sharp mind and beautiful heart to your life.
Isabelle Thye is a coffee enthusiast based in Malaysia. She co-founded a café consultancy business and started her own coffee label CHNO. Besides building her coffee business, Isabelle enjoys writing and backpacking around the world.
Image courtesy of Evan Kirby.