I imagine that many girls would have jumped at the chance to wear an amazing dress and be the Maid of Honor at her brother’s wedding.
Not this girl.
I stared at myself in the mirror, gripped with the terror of the impending commitment. As I splashed water on my face, I allowed my tears to be washed away by the cool pool in my palms.
“I can do this,” I said doubtfully to the reflection of myself in the mirror. “This is part of a necessary process. I’m protected. It’s a blessing in disguise.”
I didn’t believe it even when I said the words out loud. Despite this, I reaffirmed it with conviction.
My eyes did not flinch as I met my own gaze. I took a deep breath, searching to feel and connect with the empowered part of myself. She was in there—that courageous conqueror who resided in the more resilient side of me. Yes, she was indeed in there… I just couldn’t feel her.
I couldn’t feel much of anything beside a sense of panic. My distress was making me buckle under the weight of it’s pressure and I broke down for a second time, fully understanding that four years of intense social isolation will do strange things to your courage.
My life over the last decade and a half had been wrought with spiritual conflict and physical suffering. So much so that I had been forced to become a modern hermit. The last four years had been the most brutal leading to a social reclusion due to electromagnetic hypersensitivity and empathic energy symptoms.
With the exception of doctors visits, I had little to no human contact besides that of my brothers and parents.
And now after all that I had endured, my baby brother had decided to get married.
To one of my dearest friends.
In front of more than 150 people.
Social anxiety was an understatement. With the sudden blast of news I was in a state of utter horror.
My brother was one of my best friends. I had known his fiancée since college. I loved them both deeply, but I battled often with the awareness that everyone I loved was moving on with their lives while I stayed in a hellish state of stasis.
I am aware now that such stories that we tell ourselves are only good for creating more inner strife. Nonetheless the stories of that time did not disappear over night. They were lasting and they were painful. And the story of potentially being excluded from such a life altering event because of my circumstances sent waves of despair rolling in every direction of my insides.
I wanted to live normally, but my life didn’t include people. I was more than an introvert. I was a recluse. That’s just the way it had to be.
I’m sure everyone has felt that way at some point of another. Maybe it went something like this:
The walls had been closing in on you for some time. You’re exhausted. You’re downtrodden. You feel blocked on all sides and you’re out of ideas on how to make it better. You’ve spent months or years, praying for liberation, being positive and hoping for change. And nothing.
Are you there God? Universe? Mystical Tree? Oprah? Why bother, right? Why should you keep believing in anything anymore?
Here’s why:
Because suddenly, out of the depths of goodness, the universe will smile. It may be a subtle smile, and if you are intuitively astute you will blink a few times, wondering if you’re seeing things right. But yes, it will indeed be a smile.
A change in the status quo.
It may be that you’ve been so accustomed to misfortune that you’re suspicious. You may even wonder if the turn of events is a trick to entrap you and dish out more suffering. That’s exactly what I thought, when the universe smiled at me.
I had been praying for some miracle to happen for years. I didn’t know what it could possibly look like, but I prayed and affirmed daily, asking for deliverance from my imprisoning circumstances. I prayed so hard and so often I wondered if all of heaven was getting a good chuckle.
Then it happened.
It came upon me suddenly, wrapped in the disguise of a dilemma. It was a smile coming in the form of the biggest social event that I had seen in the last four years. Years of isolation and avoiding the outside world would culminate in a single moment of bravery or continue to drone onward into eternity.
I had a choice to make.
A wedding.
A teetering walk down an endless aisle,
Alone.
Or more of the same.
If I chose the social engagement, the dread of having more than one person around me at a time, would now be amplified by more than a hundred. And those people would not only be in the same room, but they would also be staring, focused on the one person that didn’t want attention. Me.
Anything could happen as I walked down the aisle. Volatile energy fluctuations. Sudden onset of dizziness. Weird things. Worse things. I wasn’t sure I could make it.
Something so simple for the average person would be one of the bigger tests of faith in my life. If my fear had had it’s way, I would have missed the treasure in it. It is also likely that I would still be in isolation, and this story wouldn’t even be on this website right now.
But it is.
There often comes a point in every difficult circumstance when you are faced with a small window of opportunity. If you’re not vigilant, you may allow your fear to slam it shut.
The Deceptions of Fear
But fresh starts don’t often come easily. Fear will play its best tricks upon you, attempting to convince you to stay in your slump. Such lies may attempt to convince you to surrender your power over to your difficult circumstances instead of conquering them.
Here is what the lies may sound like:
1. It’s Too Soon
Cycles come and cycles go and when your opportunity arrives on a silver platter, you may probably be skeptical, wondering if it really is your season for change.
Are you really ready? Should you wait for a more convenient time when everything feels safer? The problem with this can be significant. Developing the habit of waiting for a perfect scenario is a sure fire way toward stagnation.
Truth:
There is only the now.
Each moment counts. But what you did yesterday is gone, and what you will do tomorrow doesn’t exist. Focus on the power and blessing of the present moment and know that what you do and allow yourself to experience in the now is purposeful, powerful and will often open up an array of new avenues for success.
Always remember:
Sometimes we need to do things even while we are afraid to do them. @jeneeafjones (Click to Tweet!)
2. The Path Is Too Dangerous and You Will Get Hurt
Your thoughts can be wicked and the nightmarish visions that fear-based thoughts create can sometimes wreak havoc on logic. The fear may insist that bad things will happen if you take a step toward your opportunity. Even if there is no sign of real danger. The worries of “What if” are often cruel and rarely comes to pass.
Truth
Surrendering to the flow of life can be healing.
Surrendering does not mean to abandon all discernment. Instead, become aware that the impulse to resist and micromanage every aspect of your situation can lead to frustrations and blockages. Yes, it is true that more challenges can arise when you surrender and go with the flow. But you will often prevent powerful things from happening if you don’t. Blessings come in all forms, and not all blessings are comfortable. Unless there is a legitimate danger, trust your higher awareness to lead you through your struggle toward freedom.
3. You’re Too Weak, Too Tired, Too Old, Too Sick
You’ve had a hard year. Maybe a hard life. Nothing came easy. You had to fight for every little thing in your life and you’re still fighting. But you’re tired now. Or your situation feels too restrictive. While all of this can be true, the fear stemming from this can be brutal, working some of it’s best moves on you through some specialized logic-based tactics. Understand that these external factors are just details in story. And your story isn’t over.
Truth:
Inside of you exists the power to conquer and create under any circumstance.
You are a self contained toolbox of greatness. And accepting yourself in all your brilliance is the first step to accessing what’s inside. Regardless of what your challenges look like, they don’t define you or take anything away from who you really are. Chances are, you may even have gifts inside of you that were developed as a result of your unique challenges.
It may help to work toward the belief that there is a higher wisdom functioning in your life that can sustain you through any adversity. Trust that you have exactly what you need to accommodate your unique situation however challenging it may seem. And if you don’t, it will come.
4. You Don’t Deserve a New Beginning
If you are one of the lucky ones to recognize your opportunity as a fresh start, those old wounds of the past can be brutal. They will dig at you telling you that who you were then makes you ineligible for your happy ending. They will have you believing that your mistakes are too big to fix. Better stay in your corner and not make things worse right?
Truth:
You are worthy of change.
Absolutely nothing you have done makes you ineligible for love, compassion, emotional freedom, happiness or healing. As human beings we are entitled to free ourselves from the bondage of guilt, shame and conditions that promote a lack of love and spiritual bankruptcy. You don’t have to do anything to earn this empowerment. It is given freely to all who seek it.
When The Universe Smiles
There are tons of other deceptions in fear. But I walked down that aisle nonetheless, a terrified, glittering and pretty lump of hope. I wasn’t even sure I was healthy enough to stand at the altar and make it through the service, but I had to believe that there was a greater purpose to this challenge.
Despite my terror and all the bad things I believed could happen, I survived that wedding. I walked down the aisle as the maid of honor, all eyes on me for over three full minutes. It wasn’t all rainbows and cotton candy. But I was sustained by grace and given what I needed most to make it through. The success of this was enough to nurture my faith.
After that, I asked myself one important question: If I could make it through this…what else could I make it through?
About one month later I launched a website and took a step toward the terrifying jungle of social media. Four months later I submitted my first article and was published on a popular online magazine. Eleven months later, I found myself going out at night frequenting restaurants and shops, even able to answer the phone with confidence.
I won’t always know the outcome of some of the steps I take. And that’s okay. I can trust the awareness that some small steps will often lead to small victories. Others lead to life altering ones.
Even though it was painful and terrifying to face it, my smile from the universe was the invitation to take a step. It was a good step. A good smile. And now I’ve learned to smile back. Even in the face of fear.
When it comes down to it, it is impossible to free yourself from dark circumstances by perpetually analyzing the shadow. It may be time to simply muster your courage and take a stand.
One way or another it’ll be okay. Just trust the direction of love, take a deep breath and step into the light.
Jenee Fernandes Jones, an awakened personal empowerment writer and student of transformative living has spent almost 15 years uncovering and exploring the nature of consciousness. At her blog she encourages spiritual growth, self acceptance and personal empowerment through the exploration of modern topics. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram.
Image courtesy of unsplash.com.
