In the past I have attended Date with Destiny, which is a Tony Robbins event. Tony is truly masterful at what he does and I had the extra bonus of going with an awesome group of friends. One powerful takeaway that I wanted to share with you is about how to blame effectively.
Tony talks a lot about our stories, which are created by the meaning we give to events in our life. Our stories usually have a heaping dose of blame mixed into them. We blame others for hurting us, making us feel a certain way, not behaving the way we wanted them to, etc.
Blame may be comforting because it justifies our hurt; however, it is completely paralyzing because it makes us a victim of our life rather than a co-creator.
Tony’s advice was that if you are going to blame, at least do so effectively by blaming them for all the lessons and blessings that came from what they did or didn’t do. This resonates with what I believe and teach, which is that:
The Uni-verse makes no accidents in terms of who the cast of characters are in our life story . . . BUT we make the mistake of casting too many villains rather than angels in our own story.
For example, when my ex-fiance broke up with me unexpectedly six months before our wedding, I was incredibly hurt and villainized him for it. How could he do that? Didn’t he love me? He made a promise to me; why didn’t he keep it? Blame. Blame. Blame. And you know where that kind of blame got me? Absolutely NOWHERE. I stewed in my depression and heartache until I learned how to blame him effectively. Today, I blame him for teaching me how to love myself. I blame him for having the courage to end something that wasn’t right, when I didn’t. I blame him for inspiring me to share my story with others. I blame him for being the catalyst for my awakening. I blame him for being an angel in the story of my life.
The dictionary defines blame as: to place responsibility for something; being the cause or source of something. Can you redefine blame in a way that supports the story of your life that you want to tell? Are you ready to see that ALL people in your life have been responsible for your growth and awakening?
Today, my invitation to you is to reach out to someone in your life who you have been negatively blaming and blame them effectively. Call them. Write them an email. Or at the very least, write them a letter in your journal. Share the following things:
- What for and how you have been blaming them in the past?
- Thank them for the role they have played in your life and admit that you have been mistaken in holding them responsible for any of your suffering.
- Forgive them for any judgments or resentments you’ve been carrying around (remember forgiveness does not mean you condone what happened, but rather that you are letting go of the pain you have been carrying around about it).
- Blame them effectively by sharing what you have learned from them, what qualities they have strengthened in you, and how they have been an inspiration in your life.
If you continue redefining blame as: to place responsibility for something THAT CATAPULTED YOUR GROWTH; being the cause or source of something AMAZING THAT OFFERS YOU TREMENDOUS GIFTS, who else can you blame effectively?
You can blame the person who you thought abandoned you as the reason you are so committed to being there for the people in your life. You can blame anyone who you felt abused you as the inspiration for embarking on your spiritual path. You can blame the guy who didn’t call you back after a great date for showing his character early and liberating you from future suffering. You can blame the person who didn’t hire you for a job for moving you one step closer to the position that is more aligned for you. You can even blame the person who cut you off in traffic for giving you an opportunity to practice patience and non-reactivity.
Freedom from suffering comes from giving a different meaning to the things we latch onto as the cause of our suffering. So if you are going to play the blame game, win it!!
Christine Hassler has broken down the complex and overwhelming experience of recovering from disappointment into a step-by-step treatment plan in her new book Expectation Hangover. This book reveals the formula for how to process disappointment on the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual levels to immediately ease suffering. Instead of wallowing in regret, self-recrimination, or anger, we can see these experiences as catalysts for profound transformation and doorways that open to possibility. You can find more info on her website, and follow her on Twitter and FB.
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