If someone asks you to do something, do you say “yes” even if you don’t want to do it? This type of behavior relates to a particular boundary style.
Are you so focused on having things be the way you want them to be that you ignore other people’s input or preferences? That is a different type of boundary style.
In today’s Boundary Bootcamp video, I will be breaking down the six different types of unhealthy boundary styles that you may be using to communicate or get your needs met. In this vlog, you will find:
- Six different types of boundary styles
- How these styles may have developed
- The characteristics of each style
- The importance of learning your own predominate and secondary boundary styles
There are many reasons you are the way you are when it comes to boundaries. Boundary styles are evident in physical ways like whether you shake hands or kiss someone you first meet (In Spain, everyone cheek kisses while in Norway, they don’t.) There are material boundaries like how you relate to your possessions (Do you lend your car or money to friends or not?) Emotional boundaries are the invisible line that separates your emotions and responsibility for them, from others in your life (Do you blame others for how you feel or not?) A portion of the foundation for the way you handle these and other boundaries was downloaded into your subconscious mind through your childhood experiences. What you witnessed in your family and the tribe you grew up in, including the cultural norms of your community all informed your boundary blueprint.
Since knowledge is power, today I am diving into the six different types of boundary styles from our boundary quiz, so you can identify which ones you’re currently using in your life and relationships.
If you are the Ice Queen when boundaries are out of balance, people might describe you as:
Unavailable, Stubborn, Closed Off, Inflexible, Unspontaneous, Uncompromising, Unchangeable, Adamant, Tough
There is only one way and that is your way and if others don’t go along, you will go solo. You’re not shy about letting people know where you stand and that you are not exactly open to discussing it. You can be distrustful and easily offended (although you’re more likely to cut offenders out of your life than tell them how they upset you.)
If you are the Push Over, when boundaries are out of balance, people might describe you as:
NICE, Too Open, Non-assertive, A Pushover, Overly Accommodating, Passive
You can feel invisible and although you may be aware of your feelings and desires it is difficult for you to express them in the moment. This can leave you feeling used, hurt and resentful.
If you are the Loner, when boundaries are out of balance, people might describe you as:
Unreachable, Distant, Disconnected, Cold, Absent, Unreliable, Non-communicative, Aloof
You don’t share yourself emotionally or physically with others in a deep way. Your preferences and who you really are could remain a mystery to those closest to you. You can be self-protective and elusive.
If you are the Chameleon, when boundaries are out of balance, people might describe you as:
Codependent, Enmeshed, No Opinions of Your Own, Weak Identity, Overly Influenced by Your Partner, Friends or Family
You can take on the likes, dislikes, and opinions of your partner, friends or family. Your self-esteem is dependent upon your relationships. Your self-identity is defined more by your relationships than by your individuality.
If you are the Power House, when boundaries are out of balance, people might describe you as:
Forceful, Bossy, Invasive, Insensitive, An Interrupter, Self Centered, Pushy, Intrusive
You can be charismatic as you’re pushing her agenda forward, regardless of how anyone else may feel about it. You can act oblivious to others discomfort or resentment. When really out of balance you can sit too close, talk too loud or give unsolicited advice or criticism.
If you are the Peace Keeper, when boundaries are out of balance, people might describe you as: Highly Sensitive, An Empath, Fearful, Vigilant, Conflict Averse, Over-Functioner, Hyper-Receptive
You suffer from the Disease to Please (others) which leaves you little time or space to authentically know what you really want. Your main goal is to avoid or defuse conflict.
Being able to draw healthy boundaries in your life, and tell people what is and is not okay with you, has the potential to reduce your suffering and up your joy. Learning to draw appropriate boundaries and tell the truth about how you feel, frees up all of the energy that used to be consumed by frustration, resentment, and confusion. This means more energy to focus on creating a life and relationships that thrill you!
You can do this.
I can teach you.
Download the questionnaire and watch the video here to find out what your boundary style is!
Thanks for watching, reading, and sharing!
All Love & Boundaries,
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, transformation coach, and an expert at turning fear into freedom. Sign up for Terri’s weekly Newsletter, check out her blog and follow her on Twitter.