I love coaching people about love, unraveling their thought patterns, and helping them face the truth, so they can make the change and find who and what they so deeply desire.
The process we devised at HG isn’t complicated; in fact, it’s so straightforward that we find we can apply it to many different types of people at every stage of love – finding it, fixing it or just figuring out what they want from it. Truth is, we find we can even aptly apply it not just to love but even to those times when you are looking for the job or house of your dreams.
But, it is especially handy (and absolutely critical!) when it comes to deciding if you’ve truly met your match and if it’s time to take that next step towards marriage.
Ready to get started?
How do you know when you’ve found “the one”?
There are three critical voters inside of you that need to align before you can and will be be fully satisfied in love and marriage. They are (be prepared for a little vulgarity if you haven’t heard or read about ‘em before) your Head, your Heart and your Hoo-ha.
Let me elaborate …
- The Head: tells you what looks good on paper, what’s practical, what’s smart.
- The Heart: wants you to go deep. Your Heart asks,“am I moved?” and it will always tell the truth, if you listen closely enough.
- The Hoo-ha: wants to be turned on! The voice of the Hoo-ha is speaking up for your physical and sexual needs, and it’s backed (like it or not!) by thousands of years of human evolution.
What are things you and your partner must discuss before the big question can pop?
Each person has very distinct criteria for each of his or her 3H’s and cares about a very particular own set of things. To really figure out if you’ve met your “one,” you need to get talking before you pop (or hear) the big question!
I am going to walk you through the best things to think and talk about in each of the H’s.
You can’t have every last thing— but you can have the most important things. And you really need to figure out what those are, first. Come up with 5-10 personal deal breakers for you (maybe it’s religion, where you live, having kids or not, political views, etc)..
Here are some specific areas of your life where your HEAD would most likely have an opinion:
- Where and How You Want to Live
- Kids/Parenting/Family Life
- Addictions/Bad Habits
- Health Issues
- Recreational Activities and Fitness
- Food and Eating
Come up with the top 5-10 must-haves convos about these types of topics. For ex: How much money do you need to save to feel secure yet excited about the future? Is it ever OK for one of you to not work? Do you want kids or pets? How often do you want to see your families and take vacations?
There are things that are important to your HEART specifically. Make your list of words: laughter, connection, tenderness, music, truth, kind, caring, interesting/interested, fascinating, inspiring, soulful, goofy. Check in with yourself to see if, how, and when you feel those things. But it’s less about the exact answers (that’s your head’s job) –assessing Heart is more about the dynamic and connection. And it’s critical for a long-term relationship. Check in periodically as the relationship deepens to take stock of how your Heart is feeling.
This H is more about asking yourself: Do I find something fundamentally attractive about them? Does it feel hot? Are your libidos compatible? Do they like what you like in bed? Are they willing to speak freely about what is desired? Do you have a clear picture about STD status?
Things to check off together before getting engaged?
See above. You must have a hard conversation about the above topics before making the decision to get married. Most people will avoid the difficult conversation because they so want to be in love and be married, RATHER than see if they’re still in love and want to marry after the conversation. Most people do it in reverse, unfortunately––and the marriage becomes a process of revisiting these questions over and over again.
Any tips on how/when to pop the question to your partner?
After you’ve had all of the discussions and answered your questions for each of the 3H’s, time to start thinking about it. And don’t forget the most basic questions in the 3H’s: how, when and where do you want to get married? People are not always clear about what the other person wants or where they are on this issue! Sure it makes the proposal sexy to keep it a mystery, but it’s not sexy if it’s totally off-target. People really do already know what they want. Get a sense of the answer—maybe your partner says, “sometime next year,” and go from there. You can speak in ranges so it keeps the mystery. As for the event itself, the more you know about your partner’s preferences (public vs. private, ring vs. tattoo), the better. And if you’re anticipating being asked, the more you tell, the better.
P.S. When it comes to love, sometimes we need a little help along the way. If you need more inspiration, take the Current Reality Quiz! It’s a quick, easy, and fun (we swear) way to self-assess and get a better idea (or at least an honest one) on what areas of your life you need to work on.
Laurie Gerber is a Senior Coach and Co-President of Handel Group® Life Coaching. For over 15 years, Laurie has led international events and private coaching courses. She has appeared on MTV’s True Life, A&E’s The Marriage Test, Dr. Phil and TODAY.
Image courtesy of Pablo Heimplatz.