In this week’s episode, I’m going to be exploring one of my favorite topics. You guys know that I’m obsessed with healthy love, and I’m also obsessed with healthy boundaries. So today’s video is going to be all about how healthy love IS boundaried love, and really, we’ve all been sold a bill of goods when it comes to what healthy love really looks like. From the fairy tales we read our kids to the most popular movies, romantic love is depicted in a completely unhealthy and unrealistic way, much of the time.
Today’s episode is kicking off Boundary Bootcamp season! So for the next eight weeks or so I will be focusing on all things healthy boundaries and effective communication so you can create lasting, vibrant relationships in your life!
Earlier I said we’ve been sold a bill of goods and let’s talk about that for a moment. The media portrayal of romantic love for example, “You complete me” (Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire) or going even further back to, ”Love means never having to say you’re sorry” (Ali MacGraw in Love Story) is bullshit so much of the time. No one can or ever will complete you because, in order to be in a healthy relationship you need to already be a whole person and trust me when I say, real love means saying you’re sorry early and often. The implication is that real love knows no boundaries as two become one. It may seem romantic in a Romeo and Juliet sort of way to think that you can’t live without another person but you can and you did.
We are exploring these misconceptions because they do a disservice to those who are actually interested in relationships that can grow and endure. Below are a few questions for you to consider to determine your conscious and unconscious beliefs about romantic love.
When you are in a romantic relationship do you give up the rest of your life? Do you feel like being in love means everything has to be about that person? Do you give up your friendships or your alone time? Are you the friend that gets into a relationship and falls off the face of the planet?
Do you look to romantic love to make you happy? Do you believe that if you can just find the right person – all will be well and you’ll finally be happy? This belief can put a lot of pressure on a relationship and be a set up for failure since happiness is an inside job. Only you can figure out what makes you happy in your life.
Do you think that real love means not having emotional or psychological privacy?
Some couples demand this kind of complete and total transparency about everything from what went on in your Private therapy appointment to what you texted your pals that day. This is a clear lack of healthy boundaries and more like a prison than a relationship. Having a right to your own thoughts and feelings is not being disloyal to another person. Respecting the other person as separate from you is another really important part of this process because what are boundaries? They are the understanding of where you end, and the other person begins.
The goal of being in a healthy relationship and being in a relationship with good boundaries is to create interdependence as opposed to codependence. So what’s the difference?
Codependence means that when something is happening to the other person, it feels like it’s happening to you. You feel responsible for the other person’s choices, their outcomes, or they feel responsible for yours or both. Interdependence means that it’s a choice. There is a balance of power and sharing of responsibilities for the relationship.
Boundaries are the solid foundation on which to build lasting love.
So don’t be fooled by films or fairy tales of enmeshment being the path to true love because only two complete people coming together actually creates hot, healthy, vibrant enduring love. @terri_cole (Click to Tweet!)
So, I hope this episode got you thinking about any limiting beliefs you may have about boundaries in romantic relationships since it is kicking off Boundary Bootcamp Season 2018!
You can watch my video on this topic HERE and if you liked today’s episode, please share it on your social media outlets and look for what’s coming up because we have a lot of fun stuff planned including a FREE masterclass training mid-September. Stay tuned for details…
Thank you for watching, listening and sharing and as always, take care of you.
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, transformation coach, and an expert at turning fear into freedom. Sign up for Terri’s weekly Newsletter, check out her blog and follow her on Twitter.