Cross Roads

Fast forward and I can bring you to the end of the story I am about to share but truth be told, I am still sorting the ending out. It is still a bit messy. I want to be in control. I need to be in control. I have for as long as I can remember. But now, even as I type this, I am physically and mentally exhausted from it. The veil has been removed.

Apparently, for me to move forward and heal I have to stop pretending. I say this because once you see things, you cannot un-see them. You have to face the music. You have to be brutally honest. But I am confused at times on who to be honest with. Myself, obviously. But should I be honest with everyone? I mean brutally honest and tell them how I really feel.

Will this help me heal? And then I realize, I want to help them heal. Wait, scratch that. That is a lie. I want to heal and sometimes because that is my main goal, I want them to say things to help me heal. I shouldn’t care where they are in their journey. They need to figure that out for themselves in their time. Is that selfish? Is this part of what they mean by extreme self-care? Get bratty, selfish and downright honest? I toggle between saying to myself, “This whole thing, this self-awareness and true growth is going to come because you take ownership for your actions alone.” And then another part of me says, “If they would right their wrongs and be honest with the part they played, things would get better faster.”

Are you seeing the control issue come through? I want to control me and I want to control them. All so that our relationship can get pretty like a rainbow-colored bow preferably by the end of next week. And maybe us cuddling a puppy. But I can only control me.

The Beginning

It is easy now as I look back on my past 50 plus years that my story started at a young age. I can see now that the way I handled things was to make decisions on my own so as not to bother anyone. My mom was busy raising six children and watching that my dad did not over-indulge in alcohol. She did this right up to the day he went to the hospital and was diagnosed with end-stage liver disease. He died just two years later.

I am a mom and I know the job it is to be tuned in to your kids’ needs. If my parents did not see blood, you were fine. You could be screaming with pain. Emotional pain. But it was drowned out by the many chores and tasks that my mom had to accomplish and the long work days my dad put in. They did not see the child with an eating disorder, the other child with the substance abuse problem or the one just needing a hug on a bad day. Even in a small apartment where it would be virtually hard to miss the obvious clues. There wasn’t an elephant in the room. There were many elephants in the room in our home growing up.

Moving On

A funny thing happens when you move out and search for more. A bag comes with you that you don’t remember packing. It is heavy and it is always with you. You naturally dive into it and take out your poor coping skills. It is the easy route. Hopefully, a new bag gets packed with better tools but you are slow to find what you are looking for. You are a bit lost most of the time. Who do you trust? You are meeting so many new people but aren’t sure if they are the ones you should listen to. You are still young. In your twenties, newly married, considering starting a family. You have a nagging feeling something is not right but don’t know what to do with it. You go to therapy. You talk about the past a lot. At some point, you get tired of talking about the past. Let’s get this thing fixed. What do I do now? I need skills. Really good skills and fast.

I See It

You work really hard at trying to get answers. You read a lot. You tap into what you believe it is and then it is gone. Overshadowed by self-doubt. In your ‘real’ life, not just on the couch of the therapy sessions, you have unlocked the door to your past at some point. You are ready to do the work. But you get busy and life gets in the way of you fully moving forward. You develop new skills, ones that help you be a good mom. You emulate those who inspire you. You see the open door to your past waiting for you to go back. You get distracted. You lose your way a lot. Demons from the past keep showing up. Again, you use poor coping skills.

You should know better by now. But the easy road keeps showing up. The one that teases you with a short cut to relieving the familiar pain quickly. It helps right away. You get frustrated because as you resort to old ways, new pathways are waiting to be developed. Healthier pathways. But that ‘better’ road is a bit uphill. You try it but then tire of the work. That way is unfamiliar. It’s encouraging to know it’s there but you are not sure you can maintain speed with such an incline. You finally rest instead of going back to the old way. Perhaps that is progress.

Going Around In A Circle

You are in therapy again. Hoping this time she can give you the answer. Perhaps she will have an express route to the end. One that takes you to the top of the ‘good, healthy’ hill without having to do the work. You know she has it. Isn’t that why you are there. Oh, that’s right. You are the one who has to uncover it for it to have real meaning.  You are on the healthier road again. Developing really good skills. Skills you are sure will help you as you move forward. You are a parent now. You keep setting goals. You get your college degree and then, of course, set out to achieve the next degree. But you continue to resort to old habits.

Ironically, while sitting on your couch as the empty nest arrives, you even develop some new bad habits. Where is the better version of you? Where did she go? How do you permanently get healthy in body and mind? You find the solution. It keeps coming up in books, videos and more recently in Podcasts. It is the same message you have been hearing for years. Take care of yourself, be still and listen. A part of you doesn’t believe you are worthy. How is that part of you still around after all these years? Who has been feeding and nurturing her? She should be gone by now. But it is stillness that shows you the answer. The bad habits you have formed or resorted to again are what is feeding her. It is so easy to recognize but harder to conquer.

Am I Ready

The real answer comes when I ask myself if I am ready to accept my flaws and recognize that I am worthy of lasting growth. No big goals. Just stillness.

Taking care of the young girl in me that is ready to be seen, listened to and loved. Even with more goals to reach and examples to set, quietness needs to come through. I am only one of many children in my family. All of us are fighting our own battles but the one I care most about is mine. I am a piece of my family’s puzzle and entitled to my views on how I see the past and how I want the future to look. But right now, it is the present that I need to embrace and accept.

There will be many roads ahead and some will be disguised with tempting fruits and immediate numbing potions to indulge in. I know better now so I will choose wisely and question what comes in my path. The door to the past is still open but I choose not to go back. The work is not up ahead either. The work is in the present. It is all I can control. The path to self-love is a long and consistent one. It is a goal worth reaching each day. I am ready.

Kathleen McDermott is a native of the Bronx, NY currently living and working as a nursing supervisor in Brewster, NY.  She is a life-long writer and loves learning. She is currently building her freelance writing career as she pursues a Masters in Nursing Education. She loves her family, honesty, being outdoors, and her puppy.

Image courtesy of Yoann Boyer.