Do you miss the feeling you had when you first met your partner? That hot, I-can’t-wait-to-get-you-alone kinda thing you used to have, that electric charge…do you feel like maybe that ship has sailed?
What happens when you lose the passion in your relationship? Is it possible to get that spark back?
If your partner sometimes feels more like a roommate than a hot date, but you really want it to be different, keep reading. @terri_cole (Click to Tweet!)
In this week’s episode, I’m going to give you my top eight tips for rekindling and bringing that passion back into your relationship.
These suggestions are going to give you the ability to reframe whatever situation you’re in right now when it comes to your sex life. I also discuss it in a bit more detail in this video.
Listen, anything you’ve seen in the movies, anything that told you this should be easy, anything that told you that you “should” be having as much sex as you did when you first met…that’s not real life.
In real life, we go through cycles, even in our sex lives. Sometimes it has to do with having children, sometimes it has to do with being in a certain time in your life, whether that’s one of stress or grief. Sometimes it has to do with natural changes in the body and hormones (like during and after pregnancy or menopause). Sometimes it has to do with someone being ill or unwell, mentally or physically. Sometimes it just has to do with being really tired. All of these things can negatively affect your libido.
Real talk? Raising humans is exhausting. Working is exhausting. Struggling financially is exhausting. So if you’re being hard on yourself or on your relationship because you feel like you should be on fire with passion even after you’ve been up all night with a sick kid or putting in 80 hour weeks to meet a deadline at work… go easy on yourself, ok? That’s just not realistic.
That said, there are things you can do to nurture yourself and that spark in your relationship. I’d like to invite you to get curious about what you can do that will change how you’re relating to your partner.
- Do an inventory of any underlying resentment. Are there things that you are resenting your partner for but that you haven’t told them about? Are there things or feelings you haven’t handled that are lurking beneath the surface? Unresolved issues can greatly affect how physically intimate you want to be. Carve out some time, grab your journal and write it out. Talk to your partner and work it out.
- Make a commitment to be physical – it doesn’t just have to be sex. Regular affectionate touch can go a long way in re-establishing a baseline for physicality. A back rub, a hug, or a caress can all be ways to connect. They don’t always have to have the pressure of leading somewhere else. Take the pressure off and move it into something that feels really good for both of you. Next, put it on the calendar! Whether it’s a date night or massage night, be intentional about making uninterrupted time together a regular thing and schedule it.
- Be more voluntarily vulnerable with your partner. This is about creating a dialogue and setting the stage for open, real communication. Again, schedule that time to really be together without distractions (phones away!), and talk about real things the way you used to. It can get so easy to just phone it in, especially in a longterm relationship, whether that’s about sex or about having real time to talk, but the reality is that your relationship won’t take care of itself. Be willing to make the time to be vulnerable together and really nurture your union.
- Shake it up! We all get into some kind of a relationship “dance”, and that extends to the bedroom. You know what I’m talking about… that whole “you do this, I do that, boom, we’re done” thing. If you want to bring the passion back you’ve got to do something different. Some ideas: if your partner is usually the one to initiate, why don’t you try it next time? Only have sex in the bedroom (or not at all) because the kids are asleep in the next room? Get a babysitter, get a hotel for the night and be as loud as you want somewhere else. Make it an adventure.
- Have an open conversation about what makes you feel sexy and want to be sexual. What makes you feel desirous of your partner? Tell them! These things might not be what you think of immediately when you think about wanting to have sex, but stay with me here: it could be anything from your partner cooking you dinner to doing the dishes to helping out with the kids to giving you their full attention and eye contact while you tell them about your day. These loving acts of support can act as emotional foreplay. How’s that for a re-frame? What are the things that make you want to have more sex? Make sure to download your cheat sheet, because I’ve included some scripts to help you with this exchange!
- Think about the times you’ve had really hot sex. You’ve had times when the sex was great, right? Bring those times back into your mind. Think about what elements were present. What made you feel great? Get specific. Was it the way that your partner related to you or how you felt about yourself? Both? Bring those memories and feelings back into your current mind, because it can be a super helpful place to start. You can use this information as evidence for yourself– not only that you are capable of having steamy sex, but also as data points for what worked well in the past that you could try again.
- Love on YOU. Self-sexuality can help you dial back into your sexual and sensual relationship with yourself. After all, that’s really where it all starts. If you haven’t been self-sexual, what are the things that could help you feel like you want to be? Do you read erotica? Do you have a vibrator? Do you masturbate? Do you watch something erotic? Give yourself permission to tune back into your turn on. Get your journal and write down what you know gives you pleasure, and what you’d like to experiment with in the future. Know that, especially for women, our bodies are meant to change (whether that’s pregnancy, post-partum, nursing, or before, during and after menopause) and that means our personal relationship to sex and pleasure changes too. That’s natural and normal. How your body feels and how sex feels for you will likely always be in flux. Embrace yourself and pledge to become an expert on your own sexuality. It’s one of the most loving things you can do.
- Self-care is a key component to feeling sexually desirable AND desirous. So bring it back to you. Ultimately, you are the source of how you feel. How can you care for yourself in the best possible way? Make a list of how you can care for your beautiful self…body, mind, and spirit. Clean up your sleep hygiene, walk outside, take time for a luscious hot bath. I want you to commit to doing one thing every single day that is specifically only about your self-care and that genuinely makes YOU feel good.
Relationships go through the ebb and the flow – sexually and in every other way. I invite you to go through these steps and see what you can learn about you. If you’re in a place where you’re still really loving your partner and you just want to get that spark back, I encourage you to assert yourself and what you want. It will take some effort, but I promise you, it’s worth it.
I hope that you liked this episode. I hope it added value and made you think. If so, please share it with those you know could benefit, because my whole jam is inspiring as many people as I possibly can.
If you haven’t heard, the LIVE Terri Cole Show is in the works and I couldn’t be more excited! Once a month on YouTube, I’m going to be taking your questions and answering them live right there in real time! So if that sounds like something you don’t want to miss, subscribe to my Youtube channel right here, and we’ll keep you in the loop!
Thank you for watching, for listening, for reading, and for sharing. I hope you have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, transformation coach, and an expert at turning fear into freedom. Sign up for Terri’s weekly Newsletter, check out her blog and follow her on Twitter.