Heartbreak and pain resulting from a previous relationship continue to affect a person long after the relationship has ended. Even though you may start a new relationship with a new person, it affects you anyway. This is because the time you invested and the memories you created with your ex meant something. You put in the effort and valued the relationship. When a relationship ends, the memories can haunt you and make you feel miserable.
However, this does not mean that you should stay in the past. A past relationship often affects a new relationship creating more misery and heartache. It can be disastrous if one is not able to control this.
Signs your past relationship is affecting your current relationship:
1. You lack communication
You struggle to find a connection with your partner. You feel like you don’t know this person at all. This is because a lack of communication is driving you apart. You are letting your past relationship stop you from starting a new one.
2. You constantly feel anxious
An argument with your partner or disagreement can make you feel anxious. You partner hasn’t called you in a while? You automatically assume the worst! You feel anxious and anticipate the worst. You believe in guilty until proven innocent, and this drives you insane. Everything makes you feel suspicious of your partner’s actions.
3. You don’t value yourself and your partner
Whatever your partner does to assure you, it still isn’t enough. You can’t seem to appreciate what they do for you. You don’t value your partner, yourself, or your relationship. This is because you believe that somehow your past will catch up with you.
4. You relive the past
You continually think of your ex, and it affects your current relationship. Not only is it an unhealthy habit, but thinking about your ex keeps you in a very bad headspace. You can’t focus on your current relationship. Moreover, you patronize and hurt yourself by painful the hurtful memories.
5. You Push people away
You isolate yourself from friends and family, and you find excuses to not spend time with them. Rather than letting your friends help you, you push them away and blame them for being too intrusive. You are not ready to discuss your feeling with anyone, including your current partner. Although it is making you desolate, you don’t want anyone to know how you feel.
A cheating ex creates more distress in your life because it feeds your insecurities. It makes it hard for you to move on in life. If you caught your partner cheating using Xnspy, then it can take some time before you can trust someone else again. A person who is cheated upon lives in fear that the new relationship will face the same demise.
The qualities that you saw in your ex can make you feel distressed if you see them in someone else. It takes time for one to build up the courage to trust someone new. Often one doesn’t feel committed to a new relationship as one should. This is because a person has not come to terms with their feelings.
However, one bad experience should not define all other experiences, it makes you blind to all the opportunities you have. It makes you ungrateful and unappreciative of what you have in life. Therefore, for your own sake and that of your partner, you need to move on. It wouldn’t be easy. Moving from a relationship is never easy, whether it lasted 10 years or 10 months.
How to not let a past relationship affect you?
Here are some tips that should help you in moving past an unhealthy relationship and unto better things in life.
Remove the negative mindset
Moving on from a failed relationship can be tough for some. The emotions that well up need to be expressed, otherwise they can make you miserable. This is why talking to someone helps. What better person to talk to then your partner?
A negative mindset makes you mistrust the people around you. It gets you overthinking the worst case scenarios without any logical reasoning. As a result, you feel hopeless and feel overwhelmed by a new relationship. However, this adds to your anxiety and gets you nowhere. This is why you need to clear your thinking by taking some time off for yourself.
Spending time with your loved ones, including friends and family, can take you out of the rut. It helps you get back on your feet and begin with a fresh start. According to a psychologist, Jennifer B. Rhodes, “Our own perception of other people clouds our view of the relationship.” This is why overthinking is bad. You need to open yourself to new experiences and not hold judgments. Let your experience with the person define them.
Be open about your past relationship
The reservations we have can keep us from developing our current relationship. When a person has been hurt, they tend to internalize their feelings. The anxiety brought on by a cheating ex makes you feel paranoid and suspect that your current partner may turn out the same. You wait for things to blow up and the relationship to turn sour. Such expectations are unhealthy and can frustrate your partner. If you hold things inside you, it will estrange you from your partner.
However, if you want to invest in your current relationship, you should discuss your feeling with your partner. You should tell him partner what you feel and the problems you face. Be open about your concerns and what makes you feel insecure. If you feel comfortable, you should discuss how your previous relationship made you feel. Talk about the hard stuff, including the things that hurt you. If your partner is understanding, they will be there to lend an ear to your concerns. This will help clear things up and provide you solace. A supporting partner will give you the room to sort out your feeling.
Don’t blame yourself for what your ex did
It wasn’t your fault that your ex cheated on you. Most importantly, do not blame yourself for a failed relationship. Remember, your ex cheated out of their own will. You couldn’t have prevented it in any way. Our insecurities lead us to blame ourselves when things go wrong. You may be asking the wrong question: “Maybe I wasn’t a good partner, that is why my ex cheated?”
If you question yourself as a good partner and wonder if you could have prevented your relationship from failing, you’re grounded in the past. This mindset is absurd and counterproductive to your well-being. This brings us to the next point.
You need to move on in your life. If you can find the strength, forgive your ex. If you can’t, forget your ex. There is no point in staying in the past when you have better opportunities in the present. For your current relationship to prosper, you need to invest in it. Rather than expending your energies into thinking about your ex, spend it on working your current relationship out.
There is no benefit in thinking about your ex. Moreover, it can compel your current partner to neglect you, since you dwell on your past relationship. Yes, healing takes time, and it is ok to spend some time to yourself. But you should also know when it is time to move on. Time does not favor those who dwell on the past; time moves on, things change, and life gets better. With this mindset, you work towards a better tomorrow.
Be true to yourself
You don’t need to suppress your feeling because they mean something. If you’re upset, it is completely alright. If you feel anger and resentment towards your ex, it is justified. They broke your trust, and you have the right to not forgiving them. Acknowledging your feelings is the first step in moving forward; if you are true to your feelings, only then will you be truthful with others. Take some time to process what you feel.
Moving on from a past relationship takes time. To heal, you need the help of your loved ones. They can provide you a perspective and guidance. However, to achieve this, you need to be open. Bottling up those feeling will get you nowhere. It will only make you feel worse.
Andrew Carroll is a trained professional counselor who has been helping couples in dealing with their relationship issues. He is a relationship and marriage expert and has greatly helped couples in resolving their commitment and emotional problems for many years. He has vast experience and has been in the field for over a decade. He not only gives great relationship advice but is an expert in how one can remain in a healthy and loving relationship.
Image courtesy of Hian Oliveira.