I spent 2 hours in my healing room last night.
I felt the tremors within and went to show up for myself.
ALL of the parts.
And the most tender parts cried and cried and cried.
For real, it was probably an hour and a half of deep, guttural crying.
Grief released, opening to love.
I even had great communication with my father.
And when the crying was complete, it was complete.
I felt lighter and freer and clearer.
I released the weight of what I carried.
In the past, I would have shut it down. I would have told myself that there is no good reason for feeling this way. I would have ignored myself or judged myself.
I would have abandoned myself.
And I just cannot do that anymore.
Honoring the emotions that I have and allowing them to show up and release is me loving ALL parts of myself versus abandoning myself.
I came downstairs and my middle son sat there.
He said “What were you doing up there – you have been up there for a while, your eyes are swollen and your nose is stuffy.”
I looked at him and said “I have been crying for an hour and a half.”
The look on his face was a mix of shock and oh no what can I do. (The answer is nothing; he is to do nothing because that is holding space for me to be where I need to be without meeting a need to save or rescue on his part.)
He asked “Why?”
I said. “Because energy came up for healing, nothing more, nothing less and I love myself fully when I am willing to be 100% honest with myself and tend to my own energy and healing. We are in a great time of shedding; I can hold onto the pain until I am forced to let it go or let it go in surrender – I choose to let it go in surrender. It’s a big year of growth, of commitment to our path even when we do not know fully what the outcome will be or what will rise for healing. I want to be present for all of the energy of all of the emotions. Releasing the dark, the grief only opens us up to more light within. It’s a tradeoff that I am willing to make every time. This is alchemy.”
He held my stare for a while and then a soft smile bloomed.
I smiled back and then he left the kitchen.
It was one of those really deep, profound moments that cannot be planned.
Tracy Gromen is a Spiritual Teacher and Healer, mom of 3 teens boys and married to her high school sweetheart. She helps women over 40 cut through family drama so that they can learn to set clear boundaries and communicate powerfully in their family relationships without shrinking, hiding or blowing up. Download her free audio series “9 Steps to Unapologetic Confidence” at www.tracygromen.net.
Image courtesy of Fa Barboza.