The only place for inner peace is being present. No regrets from the past, no worries about the
future. How can we be in this space more often? Easy. Just take three deep breaths and remind yourself that you are in charge of your thoughts. You are the thinker thinking the thoughts – not the other way around.
Sometimes we feel our thoughts control us vs us controlling our thoughts. Do you ever feel like your thoughts are like a runaway train? Do you want to stop thinking about something that is making you feel…
SCARED – What if this happens? Then you make it worse and worse and start using your imagination to really scare yourself.
ANGRY – How dare they say or do that to ME? I don’t deserve that! I’ll get them back. As if revenge gives us peace of mind.
SAD – I miss that person or I’m sad that didn’t happened for me. I need this job or house or relationship to feel happy. NOT true.
Remember, you are the director of your own movie. You can say CUT at any time to your internal thoughts.
So often we feel like our life is a movie we are IN vs. looking at our life like a movie we are WATCHING. When you are IN the movie, you don’t have control – you are reacting to what others say or do. When you are WATCHING the movie as the director/writer, you can change it at any moment. Lean BACK from the drama, take a breath and hit the reset button. You can still be scared watching a movie, but you still know it is a movie.
Here are ways to flip the channel in your mind:
Negative: It just won’t work.
Postive : Things work out for me.
Negative: Why even try?
Positive: All my efforts are rewarded.
When we realize that our thoughts and beliefs are behind our excuses or reasons for not living our life to the fullest, we then are able to let them go. Excuses can make us feel like victims. Reframing the excuses makes us feel like the pilot of our journey.
Today we are going to talk about SELF DOUBT and REJECTION. Two topics people ask me about all the time. How can I get more confidence? How do I tolerate rejection?
Let’s look at self doubt first:
Negative: Nothing ever goes right for me
Positive: Things will turn out for the best (it is done to you as you believe. Do you believe the universe is a safe and welcoming place or a dangerous and mean place?)
Negative: You can’t trust anyone anymore
Positive: People trust me and I trust them. (what you give out you get back.)
Negative: I don’t have any talent.
Positive: I am as talented as I need to be. (Love this one because it keeps the door open for us to develop and grow.)
Negative: I’m just not creative
Positive: Creativity flows through me all the time. (When do we stop believing we are creative? Small children believe they can sing, draw, paint etc because they have not learned to judge themselves or compare themselves to others as the barometer of success.)
Negative: I don’t have patience for that
Positive: I remain calm and centered. (When we are impatient with others, we are really impatient with ourselves.)
Have you ever said any of the following to yourself:
“Learn this faster.”
“Don’t make that mistake again.”
“Hurry up, etc.”
Quiet the thoughts in your head and you will learn patience and compassion for yourself and then…You can give it to others.
Negative: I’m too shy.
Positive: People welcome me when I express myself. (Number one reason people are shy is because they fear what they have to say is “not good enough or interesting enough.”)
Negative: I don’t have a chance.
Positive: There are unlimited opportunities for me. (When you give up before you even try –with thoughts like “I don’t have a chance,” or let the odds stop you, you will never succeed. Who cares if they are seeing 100 people for one job, don’t let the odds of making it stop you from giving it your all.)
Negative: I have never been good at that.
Positive: I can choose to learn anything. (With enough focus, practice and desire, you will be surprised what you can do. If you hold on to your thoughts of “I can’t do it,” then you don’t leave the possibility open to learn it.)
Think of your thoughts as a form of cement. If you keep repeating the same thoughts over and over, it becomes a solid foundation that requires big effort to break. If you keep your thoughts fluid, then the cement has not become hard and can still be made into a different form.
Negative: I can’t speak in front of crowds.
Positive: At the moment, I am not COMFORTABLE speaking in front of crowds. (Do you hear the difference? The negative is firm cement-I can’t. The positive –at this moment, I’m not COMFORTABLE which allows for training and practice to get comfortable.)
Negative: I’ve never been any good at that.
Positive: I can choose to learn to do anything. (I used to say I don’t cook, now I say I choose not to cook.)
Negative: Someone always beats me to it
Positive: I only compete with myself. (This is a huge concept to grasp. When you come from a place of scarcity, you think someone else will win and you will lose. If you come from a place of abundance, you will celebrate others success as an example of what is possible for everyone.)
Negative: I never know what to say.
Positive: When I’m myself, the right words come to me. (A friend said she could never ask anyone to lunch, because she would not know what to say. I told her, be yourself, pretend you are talking to me. Don’t worry about what to say. Ask questions.)
That brings up the difference between closed and open ended questions. Great way to get a conversation going is to ask open ended questions-ones that require more than a one word answer. An easy way to ask an opened ended question is “Tell me about the meeting” vs. “Was the meeting good?”
Closed: Did you like the show?
Open: What was your favorite part of the show?
Closed: Do you understand ?
Open: What part of this do you think you can use?
Negative: I’m just not a salesperson or I can’t sell anything
Positive: People want to buy from me and they value my expertise (When you speak from the HEART and with passion, you don’t need to be “Pushy.”)
Negative: “ I can’t take rejection.” (The number one reason people don’t go into selling or don’t do well at an audition or start their own business or make more money.)
Positive: I never take rejection PERSONALLY. I view no as just meaning no for NOW…not forever.
When I was selling ads for W magazine and I would not get the sale, I would sometimes think, I wonder if another salesperson would have gotten the sale. In other words, was it me they are rejecting or my lack of talent to persuade or be creative enough, etc.
What the secret to rejection is “NEVER reject YOURSELF!” The first way to not reject yourself is to not take rejection personally. Then you realize that you don’t have to agree with the rejection. I pick another magazine to run ads in vs the one I’m selling. Doesn’t mean I reject myself as a good seller. Doesn’t’ mean I reject the product/magazine I’m selling. It doesn’t mean I have to agree with your decision and suddenly make myself feel less than.
Everyone is free to buy what they want and not every person or product is the right fit, so when I remember who I am is not based on any one outcome or sale, I can say to myself, NEXT. Just as you do when you have a negative thought come to you, say NEXT. Don’t fight it –just let it go. Same thing when you get “rejected.” My favorite affirmation while I am waiting for an answer is “This or something better.”
If I get rejected, then the belief in abundance of opportunity and potential, allows me to remember to say “ ON to the NEXT” sales call, audition, interview, date, etc.
Negative: This territory has no potential. (This is like saying there are no good men/women in this city to date-scarcity thinking again.)
Positive: Sales come to me from sources expected and unexpected. (I say this to myself EVERY day. When we open our minds up to getting money, results, opportunity from UNEXPECTED sources, it frees up the universe to bring it to us.)
Let go of something having to look a certain way and come in a certain time to give you your good.
Negative: This buyer hates all salespeople. (That is like saying all guys are jerks if you are a woman going on dates. Guess what you attract if you believe this. We are always looking for reasons or experiences to reinforce our beliefs.)
Positive: I always respect the buyer and therefore the buyer always respects me. (We can agree to disagree, but we don’t need to be nasty or aggressive to get our point across in a negotiation.)
People treat us the way we TEACH them to treat us. Sometimes just saying, “that doesn’t work for me,“when someone is rude or angry, can stop the tirade.
It is important to offer another solution. Look we can both want the same thing-let’s make this as pleasant as possible. You have a deadline to meet, I have a quota to meet, etc. Speak in terms of shared goals and let the other person know you understand their point of view. Look I know your boss or client needs you to get the best deal. We can do that in a way that still shows respect.
Negative: There is too much competition.
Positive: I am unique and what I have to offer has value. (No one wins when all you sell is the lowest price. When people say the price is too high, it means they don’t see the value in paying that amount. Do you value yourself to realize that competition is not something that intimidates you?
The reality is if there is no competition, there is no value in getting the job or making the sale. If you are the only candidate or the only actor going up for a role or the only person selling a product, then people don’t have choice. The real victory comes when people choose you. In order for that to happen, YOU have to Pick YOU over the competition in your mind FIRST.
Using these self-talk sales examples are a great way to give yourself renewed confidence in your ability to sell or express yourself.
Confidence comes from:
1) Remembering that who you are is NOT dependent on other’s opinion and
2) That you deserve success.
Both of these are required to be confident-free of others and a belief that you deserve it. Terry Cole Whitaker wrote a great book “What You Think of Me is None of My Business,” that says it all when it comes to letting go of other’s opinion.
“If you don’t feel you deserve success, you won’t.”
“Let yourself achieve it. You deserve to be on the planet, you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be successful when you put your passion and effort to work.”
Let’s go back to “Sales come to me from sources expected and unexpected.”
When I called on Lucky Brand Jeans-they had not spent money on ads in two years. I kept in touch with them anyway with an occasional note about the denim industry or phone call. One day out of the blue, I received a phone call saying “we now have a budget and we want to work with you again.
While I didn’t stay in touch with the expectation I’d see any immediate business from them, I did not give up on the idea that they might come back into the marketplace. I certainly did not put them on my list of potential or projected business for the year. It was a great feeling to get the call that they had money to spend and that I was one of the first calls they made when they were ready to spend it.
I did not forget them so they did not forget ME! See how that works?
By being open to receiving business from accounts that you have focused on and also willing to accept “Guilt free” sales from unexpected sources, you don’t block the abundance that surrounds all of us. So many people feel “guilty” about having money or sales come in –I didn’t earn it or I didn’t work hard to get it, so therefore I don’t deserve it. What I say is there are plenty of times you work on something that does not pan out, so you also deserve to have some if most things do not come to you with ease and grace.
Do you believe everything has to be a struggle or do you believe you can put in the effort without it being a burden and be successful? Since your thoughts create your reality, if you think you don’t deserve a sale unless you work hard for it, then that will be true for you. By believing the universe is unlimited, you can take your career to the next step.
You don’t have to know all the details of WHY good things come to you when they do or even HOW they will come. All you have to do is accept the fact that they will!
What should you do if you do have a negative thought? Will all of your negative thoughts come true? How can you erase the effect of all these negative thoughts?
That is like asking – Does one unhealthy meal really make you fatter? Does one wrong turn when driving mean you are lost forever? Does one sleepless night mean you will never sleep again?
The answer is the SUM total of ALL your thoughts give you your experience. Let me repeat that-the SUM total of ALL your thoughts create your experience.
Giving yourself permission to have the occasional negative thought allows you to let go of the mistaken idea that you have to be perfect all the time to feel good about yourself or be successful. Just keep thinking the type of thoughts you match your desired outcome to so that 51% of the total is positive. Then you can keep working to the goal of 100%.
To close today’s message, think of the universe as an impersonal law like gravity. It works the same for everyone. Just like when you shout into a valley. The echo you get back is what you just shouted out. Each echo is a fresh every moment and is not dependent on what you shouted five minutes ago or five years ago. You get back what you put out.
Are you willing to get back a new echo? Give it a try and write about it in the comments. You have everything like self esteem and confidence to gain!
John Livesay is the best selling author of “The 7 Most Powerful Selling Secrets: Soar Your Way to Success With Integrity, Passion and Joy” which has been translated into Spanish and Russian. He is a business coach and motivational speaker as well as the Executive Director, Corporate Partnerships at Conde Nast Media Group. John won global salesperson of 2012 not only for W magazine, but for all of the Conde Nast’s titles and 3,000 employees. You can find out more about John on his website.
Image courtesy of Ignacio Izquierdo.