Ahhh, the modern day relationship – full of gray areas, weird status updates, and non-committal communication.
What happened to the good old days where people say what they mean and mean what they say? It seems like finding meaningful relationships is easy for some and impossible for others. Why is that? Are some people just lucky? Does it come down to being in the right place at the right time?

NEWS FLASH: The problem is you.

Don’t be offended, it’s the truth. There’s more to it than “he’s not emotionally available,” or “she’s a b***h.” How we view romantic love is based on how we grew up. Every family and culture has its own norms around love and marriage. These beliefs were designed ages ago, passed down through each generation, and reinforced in you to become your reality. Then, you simply attracted and picked up people and situations that mirrored that reality back to you.

Let me give you an example: I come from a culture where a woman’s life purpose is to get married. Her hobbies, school, and career are chosen to attract a mate. It reinforces the idea that a partner is what gives her life meaning.

Clearly, that is screwed up!

Still, it tainted the way I’ve viewed love and the men I’ve chosen to date. To learn about how I screwed up my relationships, click here.

In order to understand your hidden beliefs around love, you must become conscious of what limiting beliefs you’ve inherited from them.

You can only change your reality when you accept that it’s not based in reality.
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The following questions will help you to learn more about your relationship patterns, self-esteem, and beliefs about love:

  1. What was your family’s belief around love and marriage?
  2. How was your parents’ marriage? Were they divorced?
  3. Who had the “power” in your family? What does that mean to you?
  4. How did your parents interact with each other?
  5. What are the similarities and differences between you and your parents?
  6. Were you given the ability to express yourself at home?
  7. How was love expressed in your family? What did verbal and physical affection look like in your family?
  8. How do you express love?

Now I know you just scanned those, but if you really want to be your best self in a healthy relationship, you need to dig deeper. Go back in time and feel it. Hit your journal and daydream about the kind of love you want and the type of person you want to be in that relationship. That does not mean you list all the ways your partner should change. This is about you!

Then, sit in that space. In order to attract the love you seek, you must be able to visualize it as a possible reality. It all comes down to deciding what you want to create in your life and making decisions with that goal in mind. While we often avoid taking personal responsibility in relationships, this truly comes down to you. So stop getting in your own way, it’s time to let love in!

You are worth it. You deserve it. It’s your job to create it.

Amita is the Owner and Founder of Aligned Holistics.com, a coaching services company founded in January of 2013 to empower individuals to create a life they love from a place of self-love instead of self-discipline. As a coach, writer, and wellness expert, Amita works with individuals to break through their barriers and embrace lifestyle change from the inside-out. Her unique approach combines nutrition, physical activity, relationships, career, and personal philosophy. Amita has been featured on CBS, NBC, and the Huffington Post. You can find more information on her website, or follow her on Twitter or FB.

Image courtesy of Brett Davies.