I’ll be married five years in February. Five years I wouldn’t trade for any other years even if someone offered: “Hey, wanna trade your five years for mine?”

I don’t have kids yet.


Maybe never. Not sure. We’ll see. Anyway.

I want to take advantage of this time before (and if) we do because I know full well that life changes with children.

I have nephews. I have friends.

I have eyes.

Having said that, a lot of my friends say that having a baby brought them closer to their spouse. I am not prepared to write about that as it would be like the desert trying to describe an ocean.

I’ve also had friends tell me that kids pulled them father apart. But hey, that’s another blog post. Stay with me here.

What I do know is: kids or no kids, it is important to keep the “spark” alive. And as I can only speak to what I know – here are Five ways to spark your sex life.

I speak here about being married because, well, I’m married. But these can work whether you are or aren’t. Neither here nor there.

1) Feel sexy

Sometimes, when I am an under ridiculous amounts of stress, I make it about what I look like or how much I weigh rather than what is really going on. I’ll say things like, “I’m so gross.”

It makes no sense and it’s not based in any logical narrative. It’s an ancient belief from my past anorexia days. It is a very old tape but once it starts playing I feel bad about myself. Then I start projecting that crap. It’s hard for someone else to find you sexy and irresistible when you yourself feel disgusting, or fat, or ugly, or any of the other detrimental adjectives we can conjure up.

So, here’s what you do: go out and make yourself feel sexy.

Go get a manicure or pedicure. Get your hair done. Go exercise; it’ll release endorphins and make you feel better within twenty minutes. Write a love letter to yourself. Do something you are really good at. Put on your favorite outfit. Put on some nice shoes. Whether you are a man or woman, go do something that makes you feel good about yourself.

2) Let someone else make you feel sexy

My husband thinks I am the most gorgeous woman in the world (God bless his sweet soul!). Sometimes, I deflect his affections or attention because a) I either don’t feel sexy and beautiful or b) because I am busy working. Whatever the “reason” is, it creates a profound cause and effect.

It’s very hard for two people to be intimate with one another if one party is shutting the other down or is not willing to accept the love. If someone is trying to make you feel sexy -um, let them.

3) Get the heck outta Dodge!

Whatever. However. I lead retreats and workshops all over.  I realize how lucky I am to get to do that. I really do.

I am not naive in thinking that everyone has the ability to just “get away.”


Go camp out on the beach. Go get a hotel room down the street. Go do something that is out of the ordinary and feels special and different. Trust me, having sex somewhere else is exciting. I don’t care how long you have been married or how long it has been since you’ve done the deed.

It doesn’t have to be expensive or fancy. It just needs to be not at home. It needs to feel a little magical. I’m telling you.

Boredom kills. Sameness. Stagnancy. Shake it up.  @JenPastiloff (Click to Tweet!)

4) Date night

Once a week. Once a month. Whatever! Just do it. Go see a movie. Get dressed up. Have dinner. Stay in and stay naked but plan it and do it. Be present for it. Shut off Facebook and cell phones. If you have kids, get a babysitter. Date each other. People who date each other want to sleep with each other. You start to find things that are interesting and sexy about the other person that you may have forgotten or never even known. Why should we stop dating or getting to know each other just because we have been together a while or gotten married?

Date. Each. Other.

5) Focus on YOU

It’s boring to be with someone who makes you the focus of their life 100% of the time.

I used to be that someone. I dated a man many years ago and my happiness revolved around him. Completely.

I was terribly unhappy at the time and had nothing that made me feel alive so I put everything on him.

Now, with my husband, I have my own passions and career and dreams. And the main thing is that I am writing.

That is not to say he isn’t a part of it. He is very much a part of it, but I am my own person and that in itself is wildly sexy to men and women.

We want someone that has something to talk about, that has a fire inside of them. As far as I’m concerned, that’s the sexiest thing there is. That fire inside of us.

Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t have a passion right now (beating yourself is unsexy as hell.) But go out and start finding things that make you feel good.

When you come together with your partner you then have that goodness inside of you, ready to spread it.

The bottom line is this: Connection is important.

Find ways to get creative and to keep it fresh. Just like we need to do with every area of our lives.

Our sex life is no different. Sometimes it needs a kick in the pants. Sometimes it needs a good yoga class or a big drink of wine or a new haircut or a date night.

Can’t wait to see you guys in Dallas November 1, Miami Nov 8 and Vancouver jan 17th! I love my Positively Positive tribe. Make sure if and when you come to my workshop you let me know that you read PP! Please leave your comments as to how you keep your relationship alive and sexy, whether you are married or not. Who cares? I just happened to be so I used that example. xo jen

Jen will be leading a New Year’s Manifestation Retreat: On Being Human in Ojai, California. All retreats are a combo of yoga/writing and for ALL levels. Read this post to understand. Check out manifestationyoga.com for all retreat listings and workshops to attend one in a city near you (Dallas, Miami, South  Vancouver, NYC & London are next). Jen is the guest speaker 3 times a year at Canyon Ranch and leads an annual retreat to Kripalu Center for Yoga & Health every February, as well as an annual invite only retreat to Tuscany. She is the founder of the popular The Manifest-Station website. Jen is leading Other Voices Querétaro in Mexico with authors Gina Frangello, Emily Rapp, Stacy Berlein, and Rob Roberge in May . Follow her on Instagram and Twitter. You can also find her at BeautyHunting.com. 

Image courtesy of simplereminders.com