It began in childhood as it does for everyone, the repressing of my shadow side. Before coming to terms with the fact that I had all this darkness in me, I tortured myself for mistakes and imperfections. This was especially strong the year everything fell apart. My mom died of cancer and afterwards, the usual guilt that exists in the mourning process included all the things I did through youth. I used to lie, I was jealous of others, I used to pick on my little sisters and sneak candy. These may not seem like big things but they were long supressed, becoming caged monsters within me.

It was a painful adolescence, always feeling separate from people seeing their good and only sensing my shadow self. I was either running from my shadow side or completely indulging in it. I put on the mask of the perfect person (for someone I wanted to impress). If life fell apart, the first thing to emerge was the shadow side. My shadow side was the voice in my head that told me all bets were off and I could do what I want in reckless abandonment. This usually meant overindulging in sweets and hiding away from the world. It played a huge part in my life until I could name what this part of me was. Growing up, nobody in my circle had spiritual insights and we were brought up to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves.

Finally, a Savior

In my mid 20’s, I was fortunate enough to meet a woman who guided me to another way of being. I was having a very familiar episode of self-loathing, confusion, and misery. Instead of pretending that everything was great and then binging in private, I took comfort in this woman and told her I felt awful. I don’t even remember the details of my issue at the time exactly but the feeling was the same as it had always been. I didn’t feel good enough to be around good people, I felt depressed and life felt completely meaningless. After attentively listening to me, she touched my arm and looked into my eyes and said, “it’s okay to walk on the shadow side sometimes, it’s a part of who you are.”

I remember feeling this weight lift off my soul. In her simple statement, she made me realize everyone has both light and shadow. This is just as true as having a right and left hand. I learned that when you’re a child, society teaches us what is good and bad. We divide ourselves in two, the good part and the bad part. At such a young age, we don’t even know what this does to our psyche for the rest of our life. We tuck the bad part away so nobody will see. The dark parts of us accumulate in the subconscious never becoming a part of our conscious minds. Carl Jung warned of the ramifications of ignoring your shadow side saying,

“It is a frightening thought that man also has a shadow side to him, consisting not just of little weaknesses and foibles, but of a positively demonic dynamism. The individual seldom knows anything of this; to him, as an individual, it is incredible that he should ever in any circumstances go beyond himself. But let these harmless creatures form a mass, and there emerges a raging monster.”

Accept Even the Messiest Parts of Yourself

The freedom from this whole affliction is acceptance for both the light in you and the darkness. I believe it may even be part of becoming complete in your lifetime. Repressing our negative traits and feelings is one of our biggest blockages to attaining self-love and living in a more authentic way. It probably seems backwards based on everything you know. The question is:

How can you really accept who you are if you don’t honor the messy bits?

If you only accept the lightness in you, you miss out. @meerawatts (Click to Tweet!)

We are congratulated when we do good things and we strive so hard to stay on the good path, the path of light. We can even be taught to avoid and escape the darkness through spiritual teachings. If we ignore the other part of us, we fail in giving ourselves the full package of being human. We fear this darkness in us and we use many tools to escape it throughout our life. It’s exhausting.

If you can walk with your shadow self, you may be surprised at what occurs. When you integrate the darkness into the light, you create a whole. Denying it can cause craziness in the mind and total disharmony. You are bringing an inner quality to yourself and standing up for all that you are. The benefits that may manifest are feelings of wholeness and sanity as well as healing of physical ailments that have been dragging you down. You are fragmented when you deny this darkness and more susceptible to break downs.

Don’t Indulge in the Darkness

Maybe the reason many of us are terrified of the darkness is that we’re afraid we’ll never return to the light. It’s not about indulging desires like getting angry or lying because you have the excuse that you’re just that way. You just need to accept that it’s there and observe its presence. By authentically accepting your shadow side, you take responsibility and say “yes”, I have this trait and it’s okay. When you say this to yourself, it loses all control and you are free. You can begin to witness parts of your mind you’ve never explored unless in dreams. It allows you to see that those dark things are not what define you. You just happen to have thoughts, desires and feelings that ebb and flow.

Before You Start Walking on Your Shadow Side

It’s a scary thought, going walking on your shadow side. Trust and embrace your complexity and the shadows that lurk among you. There are a few things that can ground and prepare you for the challenge ahead. You can strengthen yourself with the good in you and practice self-love. You should walk into this with a good feeling and as little ego as possible.

Yoga helped me a lot as I got to know my other half and heal the pain of what I discovered. Even in the act of doing a daily practice, I showed myself self-love. It boosted my self-esteem and confidence while giving me the tools to not react. Staying with something that’s uncomfortable was like chainmail for the mental battle I would face when dealing with these repressed parts in the shadow side of me.

Why it’s Worth Meeting Your Shadow Side

• You will feel a sense of wholeness when you allow yourself the full range of being human. You are more authentic and experience more satisfaction.
• When you honor your shadow side and the uncomfortable sensations that come with it, you flex your mindfulness and self-awareness muscles.
• You will notice an improvement in your relationship when you stop fighting against your shadow side. When you aren’t aware, you may project your bad feelings onto other people close to you. When you see that you are flawed and accept it, you stop placing blame on others.
• When you stop repressing your shadow side and confront it bravely, you will notice less tension within the body. Touching upon the scariest parts of you allows the body to soften and stop trying to protect you.

Yes, it’s hard to acknowledge the darkest depths of yourself. It might be deeply emotional but this is part of the life experience. Even Buddha had to fight his darkest self through observing that it was there. Through acceptance and curiosity, he made it past his deepest fears with the reward of enlightenment. For me, I felt more gentle and didn’t feel the need to protect myself any longer. I let go of the roughness and anger I had in my character that had driven so many people away. I was able to openly engage with people and have faith that I was good enough to be in someone’s company. Every part of me is worth loving and I know that now.

Have you dug into your shadow side? What changes did you notice? I would love to hear about it.

Meera Watts is a yoga teacher, entrepreneur and mom. She’s also the founder and owner of Siddhi Yoga International, a yoga teacher training school based in Singapore with additional schools in India and Bali. Find her on Facebook  or Twitter.

Image courtesy of Unsplash.