My husband buys me flowers on the regular. He makes me homemade sushi, and even makes the wasabi into cool shapes. He calls me on his way home to ask if I need him to pick anything.
The other day, he was in the Trader Joe’s wine section, and sampled a Chardonnay he thought I’d like. So, he bought it for me.
We have regular open and honest conversations about how we feel and what we need from the other person.
Yes, I hit the “jackpot” in love, but it’s not because I’m lucky.
Stevie treats me like a queen, but it’s only because I treat myself like a queen.
I take impeccable care of myself. I’m nice to me. I take the time and intention to eat foods that nourish me. Sometimes that’s a kale salad, and sometimes that’s a glass of chardonnay and dark chocolate.
I ask for what I need in our relationship. I push myself to grow personally, professionally, and spiritually. I show myself compassion when I fail or when something doesn’t go as planned. And yes, I occasionally treat myself to massages or pedicures.
But my experience in love wasn’t always like this.
I desperately wanted to be in a relationship with someone for as long as I can remember. Yet my experience in love was anything but. My emotions du jour throughout my twenties were based on whether or not I was getting attention from a guy I liked. One night, I found myself feeling particularly down.
I was hanging out with some friends and one of them was really skinny. I can very clearly remember thinking to myself, “Man, she’s so lucky. She can have any guy she wants.”
You see, since I was 12 years old, I thought I had ten pounds to lose. I thought if I just lost those last ten pounds, then all my problems would be solved. I believed that without those pounds, I’d have no problem attracting partners and I’d be able to get into any relationship I wanted.
My obsession around my body certainly isn’t unique to me, but the obsession was particularly strong in my family. Skinny legs, flat stomachs, and none flabby arms were supreme. In fact, the last time I visited my Nana, who had advanced Alzheimer’s, could hardly remember who I was, yet still knew to comment on my legs.
My dieting and counting calories caused me to attract emotionally unavailable partners. Over and over again.
For most of my life, the idea of nourishing and caring for my body was a foreign concept. “Nourishing” my body looked like eating only 1600 net calories a day. Doing jumping jacks in my office so I could “earn” the happy hour my friends invited me to. Going to yoga but leaving before savasana because who has time for that?
I completely disconnected from my body. She’d created (or so I thought) so much pain for me. She was the source of my problems, my insecurities, and frustrations.
At the time, I didn’t know my body is also the source of my intuition, creativity, and emotions. The more I disconnected and related to my body transactionally, I was making MYSELF more emotionally unavailable for the relationship I wanted.
It wasn’t just a boyfriend or a relationship I craved, it was intimacy and connection. And by hating my body, wanting to change and control her, I was effectively cutting off MY ability to feel what I was desperate to feel.
No wonder I was attracting people who didn’t value me, put me first, or was emotionally available! I did none of those things for myself.
I’d cut myself off from feeling. The only way I could kind of feel the intimacy and connection I craved was through food. But food was the enemy. So I spent my whole life starving not only my physical body, but my emotional body too.
If you want to be someone’s number one, if you want someone to commit to you, do that for yourself. @veronicaegrant (Click to Tweet!)
If you want to attract someone who’ll make you number one and someone emotionally available for a relationship, you have to do that for yourself first. This goes well beyond just treating yourself to a massage.
What goals or dreams are you putting on the ‘someday’ shelf? How do you talk to yourself? Do you honor your own boundaries? Can you show yourself compassion when you fail at something? Do you ask for what you need in your relationships? Have you ever taken care of your own needs before someone else’s?
It’s so easy to look at someone else and think they’re lucky. Or that they have it easier because of their looks or body.
And you know what?
Maybe people who are beautiful by societal norms do go on more dates and have more sex. But that has nothing to do with intimacy and connection.
I want you to know that you can be just as lucky as the next person.
When it comes to the love lottery, you get to create your own luck.
I didn’t change overnight. It was a process that included therapy, coaching and spiritual exploration.
The funny thing is, once I stopped seeking validation from my partners, and instead brought what I wanted from the relationship TO the relationship, I received more love and happiness than I ever thought possible. Stevie knows how I want to be treated because he sees how I treat myself.
The Universe or God doesn’t hate you. You’re not one of those people meant to be single or in subpar relationships. You can start creating the relationship you want now, no matter your relationship status. To get started, answer these questions: What’s one thing you want from your future relationship? How can you give that to yourself now?
Veronica Grant is a Love and Life Coach for successful women who feel like they have it all except love, find it. After years of one date wonders and non-committal relationships, she finally cracked the code in love and helps her clients around the world do the same. Start making yourself #1 in your own life through her popular Date Yourself Challenge. It’s free, fun, and could be just the shake up in your love life you need.
Image courtesy of Erriko Boccia.