Moving on after a breakup is not the easiest thing in the world but if you can learn from your relationship, your journey will be a lot easier and can actually be joyful. “Oh, breakups are so much fun!” said no one EVER! I know you said that you would NEVER go through one again – this relationship was it – it was THE ONE! You were done with first dates forever…. So how did you end up here? Well, the “how” really doesn’t matter; it’s about accepting that you are here, that we’ve all been there, and you will get through it and be on your way to finding the one just like everyone who has come before you who found their “One!”
I know this breakup thing all too well. I absolutely have been there, and what I have learned, is to trust. Trust in yourself and in the universe. Trust that you are taken care of and supported by things that are seen and unseen, and that by following your truth, it will only bring you closer to the love that is waiting for you.
Years ago, when I would go through a breakup I would tell myself that “Time” and/or the next man will heal my heart. Yes, time and the next man made me feel better, but it was a superficial “better”- it was a band aid. I needed to heal my heart on my own. I needed to really look inside and see how and where I was I not showing up authentically and heal that part. I needed to resolve my unresolved issues around any type of story I might have carried with me (mostly subconscious but some conscious) about not being good enough or deserving enough of the love of a man who I felt aligned with the most.
The truth is that I wasn’t aligning with the right man for me because I wasn’t aligned with myself. The guys that I really wanted it to work out with who I did feel love, aliveness and joy with, it didn’t work out. My outer confidence wasn’t matching the little girl inside who still felt “not good enough,” so I would settle for a man who was ok. The interesting thing is that I didn’t realize at the time that I was settling, because I would somehow rationalize the relationship in my mind. Did I feel alive, joyful and full of love in his presence? Maybe not so much, but it was fine. The moment I realized that that’s NOT what I wanted for my life, I was able to make that shift into residing from my authentic self and to bring in men who are more aligned with who I truly am, my value and what I have to offer him and the world.
My intention is to help you, dear reader. I want to help you take the time to assess what just happened and really look inside before you enter into your next relationship. I want you to have that ammunition because you never know when your “person” is going to show up!
What to do now?
Accept the Breakup:
Now that you are here, embrace any and all emotions that come up; don’t push them away. Your emotions are here for a reason; they can teach you things about yourself if you allow them to. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel all the feels. As you go on your post-breakup journey, remind yourself that you are unique, it’s your journey, and you don’t need to do it like anyone else. Just honor yourself.
You might start to wonder when it would be a good time to start dating again, and only you can answer that, but here are some things to think about.
5 Tips Before Jumping into Your Next Relationship After A Breakup:
1. Honor your unique healing journey:
The amount of time that one should abstain from dating after a breakup varies between individuals. Every relationship is different, every breakup is different, and every individual is unique. Just like someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, everyone who goes through a breakup, reacts and heals in their own way and in their own time. No one should ever force themselves into dating too soon and yet, no one should hold themselves back if they feel they are ready. As long as you are being honest with yourself and honoring what you know is right for you, you should do whatever that is, whether it is jumping into something that shows up shortly after your breakup or taking that time you need to heal before putting yourself “out there” again.
2. Take the Time to Reflect on the Relationship
Whether you feel like you are ready to move on or not, it can be helpful to reflect on your relationship. Regardless of the situation, it’s ALWAYS a good idea to discover and confirm what you have learned about yourself and how you function in a relationship; what you liked and disliked and what you’re looking for in your next relationship.
3. Don’t “Rinse and Repeat”
One of the negatives of jumping into another relationship quickly is that there is a good chance that you will “rinse and repeat;” (which happens to the best of us). Without doing the inner work to see what might be going on inside, we always will find ourselves ending up in the same relationship, except with another person. Our outside experiences are a reflection of our inner reality, so if we haven’t done the work to really get to know ourselves and love ourselves unconditionally, we will continue to attract the wrong relationship. For example, if we at some level feel unworthy because of a negative relationship in our past, and we don’t do the work to change our story, to change that negative voice inside that is telling us we are unworthy, we will keep on attracting a person that will do or say things that make us feel unworthy.
4. Trust Your Intuition
As you start to date again, it’s beyond important to start trusting yourself and your intuition. If you sense that there is a red flag, trust that first gut instinct that he or she is not the right one for you. Don’t wait until there are 85 red flags that are waving so hard that they could knock you down. As human beings, we like to be held and to feel loved and desired so it’s hard to pass on someone when you are desiring to be held, however it’s important for people to be intuitive about what is best for them and to not let their ego (that voice inside that tries to run the show) take control and get them in trouble. There are plenty of arms out there to hold you, so it’s better to hold off and wait until you find a pair of arms that really feel right.
5. Spend Time Alone
When we take the time to look inside, no outside influences, no advice, no one else – just alone with our thoughts, tapping into our hearts, THAT’S where all of our answers reside. We learn about what we truly want in a relationship and what we don’t want, but more importantly, we learn about ourselves; we grow and evolve and come more into who we truly are. Whether we get to know ourselves by going to therapy, going to the ocean, reading books, meditating, or going on long walks, it’s all incredibly invaluable and the best thing in life that we can do for ourselves.
Getting to know who we truly are is one of the most underrated aspects of life and when we do take that time, ALL of our relationships improve. @theluvexpert (Click to Tweet!)
So, as you can see there are many ways to move on after a breakup. Do yourself a favor and don’t compare your story to someone else’s because that will only hinder you from truly being in the flow of your life, and when you are in the flow, it’s from that place where you can manifest all that you desire. Hang in there, be present, focus on today and your “person” will show up sooner or later, I promise…. and let me know when they do!
Jaime Bronstein is a relationship coach, radio show host of “Love Talk Live” on LA Talk Radio, blogger, author, wife and mommy. She has been a practicing therapist for 18 years. Jaime has a master’s degree in social work from New York University, a bachelor’s degree in psychology from Boston University and a certificate in spiritual psychology from The University of Santa Monica. Jaime focuses on teaching her clients how to unconditionally love themselves, how to be vulnerable, tap into their inner strength, and live more authentically in order to achieve their relationship goals. Jaime will not only help you heal and extinguish any negative relationship habits, but she will also provide you with the tools needed in order to have a successful relationship. Find her online at www.therelationshipexpert.com and catch her on-camera radio show. Follow her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.
Image courtesy of DESIGNECOLOGIST.