We love supporting members of our Positively Positive community and their great causes. Over the next few months, we will be showcasing stories by Dr. Dragos as he embarks on a ninety-day writing marathon to raise $10,000 for water projects in developing countries Learn more here.
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“I left our home on a damned January evening and dragged my suitcase outside in the blizzard. The wind and the cold turned my tears into razor blades that slid on my cheeks and scraped a pale pink trail of pain from the corners of my eyes. For two years before we broke up I had horrendous days of anger and harrowing nights of torment. The pressure between us grew unbearable. I remember the day when my headaches begun. I had stepped outside the house and sat down in the armchair to peel a few potatoes for dinner. As I reached down and grabbed a potato from the bag, I felt the dry dirt in my palm, and then a sudden pain in the back of my head. It was as if someone had grabbed the back of my head with a giant hand, with claws hid in a hand-glove, and crushed my muscles and skull. I live with this headache every day since” I said.
“What did you do to her?” asked the Soul Mechanic.
“What do you mean? My life crumbled to nothing. I lost everything when I thought things were going great. The job I had turned into a prison I was afraid to leave, and after many years together, my girlfriend and I grew apart. We loved each other, but our relationship faded into vague and dishonest conversations intended to protect the other from the truth. We ignored for too long the reality that deep down our souls had drifted in opposite directions. For her sadness turned into anger, and I oscillated between depression and rage. She snapped for things she once found cute, and I withdrew into solitude.”
“It’s a good story, kid, but it’s not the truth. What did you do to her?” he said again. “We are never angry with people for what they did to us. We are angry with them only for what we did to them.”
“I don’t understand.” I really did not understand.
“Look back at the time when you were angry, but look only at yourself. If you are honest when you look within, you will find the reasons you were angry for were actually in you. The evil you are angry with comes always from your mind, but because you do not accept evil in your mind, you exclude it outside and look for it in others to justify your rage. But you are angry only with something you’ve done before. Whatever form the other’s errors appear to take and make you angry, they only mirror what is in yourself. They are only mirrors of what you’ve thought and done without love towards others. The world contains no fear that you have not laid upon it. You were not angry with her for what she did to you, but for what you did to her.
So what did you do?”
I remained silent for a while and then spoke as a convicted criminal repenting before the judge.
“Whenever I traveled alone, I cheated on her with other girls, and then returned home to horrible days of anger and torment. The other girls didn’t mean anything to me, but guilt devoured my heart like a hungry beast that broke from its chains” I said.
“The other girls were wonderful souls who were looking for love and deserved only love. They were probably just as emotionally crippled as you are” he interrupted me. “To say they meant nothing is to say a child of God is not worthy and has no value. This judgment will bring you only fear and torment. Don’t be a fool.”
“I never had the courage to tell her the truth. I should have stopped after the first time, and ask for forgiveness. But I didn’t. I kept lying. During the first years together, I looked in the mirror and found a joyful kid, who wanted to go out into the sunshine and play. After I cheated on her I found only a monster in the mirror, a hideous demon hiding in the darkness. I did not even dare to look him in the eye. I did not even dare to look in the eye. I deserve to live with these constant headaches” I said.
“You descended deeper and deeper into a hell you’ve built all by yourself alone, and where you were the devil and the sinner, the master and the slave. With every lie you told, you put another lock on your prison door and another chain around your heart.”
The fear you see around you is only the fear you’ve created yourself. – Dr. Dragos (Click to Tweet!)
Dr. Dragos
DR. DRAGOS – Internationally renowned scientist and filmmaker, director of the award winning documentary film, THE AMAZING YOU, featuring NASA legends, Rock stars, New York Times bestselling authors and the Angry Birds. Dragos spoke at conferences on five continents and his work has been translated in sixteen languages. Check out his new book: Sleepers. You can follow him on FB.
Image courtesy of Jeremy Bishop.
